It’s an unfair thing to say. A horrible thing. But I’ve just had the legs knocked out from under me, and I want to hurt him as he has hurt me. I turn my back, wiping my tears on my sleeve.
“Soline.”
I stiffen when he touches me but don’t resist when he turns me around to face him. He hooks my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him. “I need you to do this. I need it for me. Do you understand?”
He drops his hands to my shoulders when I try to pull away, holding me in place. “I can’t quit, Soline. What I’m doing—what we’re all doing—is too important. As long as Sumner’s in, so am I. That’s just how it is. But I won’t be able to keep myself safe while I’m worried about you getting picked up. And you will if you stay. Because they know all they have to do is tell me they have you, and I’ll tell them everything.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“But I would,” he says quietly. “Without thinking twice.”
Suddenly I understand. It isn’t just me he’s afraid for. It’s the cause, the lives that would hang in the balance if I were to be arrested—because if he was forced to choose, he would choose me. But I wouldn’t want that.
“Promise me that no matter what happens, you won’t give in to them. Not for me.”
“I have to know you’re safe, Soline. So I can work.”
I turn my head, blinking back tears. The decision has been made. The plans we made, the future we thought we would have together, are over. We’re over.
“You can do this,” he says gently. “You’ll be with our people. Your papers will be ready in a few hours. You leave at dawn.”
Dawn. Ten hours.
I look at him, eyes pleading. “Let me stay. I’ll leave the hospital. I’ll go out to the country, somewhere they can’t find me. Please.”
“I can’t. I need to know you’re safe and taken care of. It’s done. But we still have tonight.”
His words are like a knife, slicing into my flesh. “I don’t want tonight. I want forever. I know we never said it, but I thought you did too. Now, after everything, I’m supposed to just walk away, not knowing where I’ll end up or if I’ll ever see you again.”
He stares at me, his face a stunned blank. “That’s what you think? That I plan to just hand you off and that’s that? We’re through?”
“It happens,” I whisper, thinking of Maman and Erich Freede. “People get . . . separated.”
“That isn’t going to happen to us.”
“You can’t know that.”
“But I do. I’ve arranged to get you to the States, though it won’t be easy for you. I’ve written a letter for you to mail when you get to Lisbon—to my father. I told him we’ll be getting married as soon as I’m home—if that’s all right with you.”
“Married . . .” The word is like a pair of wings unfurling in my chest, threatening to lift me off the ground. I’ve never said it aloud, but I’ve dreamed it hundreds of times. “Yes,” I whisper hoarsely. “Yes, it’s all right with me. But are you sure it’s what you want? When I said forever, I wasn’t asking . . . Are you sure you want to marry me?”
“I was sure ten minutes after I met you, Soline. I love you.”
Love.
I’ve been so careful about not using that word. Until tonight. Not because I don’t feel it but because I feel it so keenly. Perhaps Maman has made me superstitious with her talk of curses. I can’t help thinking of Lilou—widowed two weeks after speaking her vows—because she dared to love. But it’s been said now and cannot be unsaid, even if I wished it. Nor can it be allowed to hang between us, unanswered.
“I love you too,” I say thickly. “More than I ever thought I could let myself love anyone. And I want to marry you. But are you sure this is right? What will your father say when I show up on his doorstep, a stranger, expecting to move into his home?”
“I explained it all in the letter. Or as much as I can explain. He doesn’t know what I’m doing over here. And he can’t. No one can. I mean that, Soline. No matter what you hear or how bad things sound, you can’t breathe a word about what we’ve been doing. Too many people would be put at risk. The safety of one person can never be allowed to jeopardize the entire cell. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“For now, all my father needs to know is that I drive an ambulance, I’m crazy about you, and I plan to make you a Purcell the minute I’m back on American soil.”