Looking at the surgery now, with the fresh eyes of an outsider, she could see it was in a shambles. All of it. Everything about the life she’d believed they were living, it was all a shoddy, ill-constructed mess and now, she was faced with finding a way to move forward and make some kind of future from its ashes.
‘You’re not ready for this, yet, are you?’ Lucy said softly then at her back.
‘No, I don’t suppose I am, really,’ Elizabeth answered, but she pushed through the door and walked back into the kitchen where, only such a short time earlier, it had seemed as if the future ahead could yet be a little brighter than the past.
‘It’s a lot.’ Lucy shook her head. ‘A big responsibility, to feel that if you don’t keep this place running, there is no other local doctor to take over…’
‘You’re very kind, but it’s not just that.’
‘I know, you’ve lost your husband. I can’t imagine what that’s like, after so many years of marriage. Death – it’s so… final.’ She broke off, because of course; they both saw the other woman’s situation as somehow worse. ‘But, you know, if there is no surgery here, people will find another doctor and I’m sure, given a month or two, you’ll probably manage to source a young doctor eager to take over,’ Lucy was saying now, but they both knew, the words were only being said to smooth over the emptiness of everything.
‘Oh, look, don’t worry; you don’t have to try to make me feel better. The truth is I’m not as honourable as you might think.’ Elizabeth felt the tears now. There was no holding them back anymore, but Lucy Nolan had been candid with her, the least she could do was offer the same in return. ‘The truth is… my husband was not only a drinker, it turns out he was a gambler too.’ She sighed. ‘He was a really bad gambler, the sort who loses far more than he wins and perhaps the sort who just didn’t know when to stop.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Lucy murmured.
‘It is what it is, now. I hadn’t realised. I really had no idea – what on earth does that say about me, eh?’ It was the reproach that kept rising up in her thoughts: how could she not have known? ‘Anyway, this place, the surgery, everything we’ve built up over the years, I can’t see any way of hanging on to any of it. I’m not the kind of woman who can carry on under a cloud of debt. I’ll have to clear it and then… well, I can’t see there being much left over when I’ve seen all the bills off.’ There it was. She shrugged. Somehow, saying it out loud was not as terrible as she’d have expected.
‘That’s awful. I’m not sure what to say to you, but…’ She made a face, an inscrutable expression that was a mixture of condolence and hopefulness. ‘Look, you’ve just buried your husband; you can’t make any huge decisions here and now. These are things that people mull over…This is your home, your life…No-one is going to come in here and demand immediate repayment in the week after the funeral.’ She caught Elizabeth’s eye. ‘Are they?’
‘No, I shouldn’t think so. All of the debts that I’ve come across so far are from reputable lenders – banks and so on.’
‘That’s good, at least.’ Lucy leant forward, reached her hand towards Elizabeth’s arm. It was a simple gesture, but Elizabeth felt it was an act of kindness, as if someone really cared. ‘Does anyone else know?’
‘Good God no, apart from Jo. I don’t think I could bear to have the whole village talking about me now. I’m not even sure how I’ve told you, to be honest; I think I’ll die of mortification when word gets out.’ In spite of herself, probably due to a touch of nervousness, her tears mingled with an edgy laugh, so it sounded as if she gently snorted out the words. ‘Oh, dear.’
‘Look, you’re in no fit state to make any decisions yet. I haven’t anywhere I need to be for another few months. I was going to take Niall out of school until September to travel and pack in quite a bit of living before I return to my job in Dublin. But that still leaves us a little time to help out here, if you’d like.’
‘So, you will go back, eventually?’ Elizabeth asked, and she wasn’t sure why, but part of her couldn’t quite fit this woman in with a soulless city life.
‘Yes, I suppose we will,’ Lucy said briskly. ‘Here’s the thing though: if it helps, I’ll open up the surgery tomorrow morning for you. I’ll run it for the next two weeks and by then, maybe we’ll have an idea exactly how it’s running and what it’s worth. At least, you’ll be able to make an informed decision and not one based on what you think is the right thing.’