‘Oh, Mum.’ Lucy reached out and put her arms around her. ‘You’ve never been selfish in your life; you wouldn’t know how to think of yourself first.’ Lucy was failing miserably to keep the tears from her eyes, and then she squared her shoulders bravely and said in a wavering voice, ‘You must do whatever feels right for you. I’ll be here, no matter what you decide.’
‘Oh, darling, I know that. I’ve always known that.’ When she raised her hand to Lucy’s face, she took a small mental picture to keep her going for a time when she would no longer be able to reach out and touch her daughter.
17
Elizabeth
Elizabeth was delighted when Lucy knocked on her door early one Saturday morning and invited her to an exhibition over in Ballybrack. Jo was too tired and Lucy needed the company, she said. Elizabeth loved art, well, she loved the idea of it; she really hadn’t a clue about what was current or what might be valuable. There were a few paintings hanging about in the house that were as old as Methuselah, but only one of these actually made her heart soften when she gazed at it. Was that appreciation? She wasn’t sure, but she’d tag along at any rate.
She had paid herself a modest wage over the last few weeks from the surgery. She deserved it, Lucy told her. She could treat herself, if she saw something worth buying that she liked. It would be nice, to have something in this house that she had chosen, as opposed to things that meant so very little to her. Lucy had to see her son off before they left; apparently, he was going hiking with Dan.
‘That’s good,’ Elizabeth said softly.
‘Is it?’
‘Oh, yes.’ Elizabeth tried not to gush. ‘He couldn’t be going off with anyone nicer. Dan is a good egg.’ She smiled then, thinking of that evening only a few days earlier when he’d happened upon her and Jo as they were racing up the beach from the water. That sort of engagement creates a funny kind of connection. They may not know each other long, or on some levels very well, but he’d seen her at her most vulnerable and somehow she didn’t resent him for it. On the contrary, it felt as if they’d allied in some way that went beyond mere words. ‘And he did find him for you, that time, when… well, you know…’
‘I’ve tried not to think about it.’ Lucy shook her head, indicated and steered the car away from the kerb. Soon they were coming towards the end of the town. She slowed as they passed by the pier, but she was not looking out at the water.
‘Jo?’ she asked softly.
‘She’s told you, about…’
‘No. I haven’t heard from her since the appointment yesterday, but I know she’s scared and I figured that she needed time to let whatever they’d told her settle in.’
‘She’s…’ Lucy said softly and a small tear made its way down her cheek. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t let her see me like this.’ She laughed an empty hollow sound. ‘Too many years of training.’
‘The consultant didn’t have good news so.’ Elizabeth thought her voice sounded like a distant echo. She didn’t want this to be real. Not cancer. Not Jo. She’d tried to convince herself they’d gotten it wrong, that it might be some kind of food allergy, like coeliac disease, and once she sorted out her diet, the weight would pile back on.
‘Six months, maybe a year if she’s lucky.’ Lucy was sobbing now, moving the car forward, automatically going through the motions of driving. ‘And of course, she won’t hear of treatment; not that it would give her much longer.’
‘Oh, God.’ Elizabeth felt as if her whole world had just caved in around the little car. She couldn’t be losing Jo; it just didn’t make sense. Jo simply couldn’t be dying. ‘Could you get another opinion? You know, even the best doctors make mistakes.’
‘Biopsies and scans don’t lie. I’ve seen them for myself; it’s taking her over as surely as that tide is coming in this evening at six o’clock.’ They drove on for a while in silence, each of them trying to digest what this meant.
‘Look, Elizabeth, I’m not even sure if she planned on telling anyone yet,’ she said as they neared the town. ‘You know what she’s like.’
‘I do indeed, only too well, but I’m glad you told me. It’s not something that you should be carrying about with you alone.’ She squeezed Lucy’s shoulder to reassure her they would get through this, although she couldn’t quite see how.