I turned my face quickly. “I can’t,” I muttered, and he froze, taking a giant step back from me and pulling all of that delicious warmth with him.
Swallowing hard, he nodded, a conflicted look washing over his face. “Maybe this is for the best. If I don’t love anyone, then they can’t destroy me when they die.” He spun, stepping out of the circle of weeping willows.
Emotion tightened my throat to the point of causing me pain as I worked hard not to cry. I wanted to run to him, pull him into my arms and tell him he could love me. That it would be safe, that I would love him back. But surrounded by those loved ones he’d watched die, I just wasn’t sure it was the truth. Like Dr. Elsie had said, we didn’t know what kind of child our pairing would create—Joslyn was the safer choice. While I was collecting myself, he tossed off his clothes and gave me another view of his royal ass.
I groaned, hating the perfect detail of his butt cheeks, and then spun to give him my back. I yanked off the tunic in anger and then started my own shift.
Why did he do that? Why did he say that?
I don’t love Joslyn.
I could have chosen you.
Those words would haunt me until my dying day.
When I was fully shifted into my dragon form, I turned around and he took one look at me and kicked off the ground, heading for the sky.
I followed him, still dumbfounded at his confession. Did he regret not choosing me? Did he want to change his mind? I wanted to know, but I decided to say nothing. For Joslyn’s sake. For all dragon-folks’ sake.
He made his bed and he was going to have to lie in it.
The flight back was quiet and slightly awkward. Drae flew below me just as he promised, and with each beat of my wings the fear of flying left me. When we made it back to the training field, Joslyn was there, ever the good betrothed, waiting on her man in her new yellow dress.
Guilt wormed through me at the sight of her excitedly waving at us.
“You did it!” she screamed.
I don’t love Joslyn.
“Go, Arwen!” She pumped her fist into the air.
I don’t love Joslyn.
I snuck off into the bushes and changed, feeling the ball in my stomach growing heavier and heavier. When I stepped out, Joslyn was pulling a leaf out of the king’s hair and smiling up at him.
“Do you want to have dinner together tonight?” Joslyn asked him.
“I have… a lot of work to catch up on,” he said, looking at me guiltily.
My heart simultaneously broke for Joslyn, and cheered that the king didn’t love her. It was horrible, evil, and yet I realized in that moment that I wanted him for myself. I wished he’d chosen me, but that kind of daydreaming would eat away at a person. Not to mention Joslyn was my dear friend and this wasn’t right. I needed to remedy it immediately.
It wasn’t fair to Joslyn.
Walking in a rush, I took off for the horse barn in search of Cal, telling Joslyn and the king I had somewhere I needed to be. Cal had been flirting with me for three weeks straight. I would kiss him and we would both see that we could be happy together and I could forget about the king. Drae in turn would see me with another man and then move on happily with Joslyn. It was a win-win.
Passing droves of soldiers, I screamed Cal’s name and finally found him saddling his horse on the side of the barn.
He looked up with a grin when he saw me approach. “You still sore from that—？”
I crashed into him, pressing my lips to his. His arms came around me, pulling me closer to him. He groaned as our lips touched and I immediately felt the gravity of my mistake.
The world did not tilt on its axis. This kiss was not earth-shattering. It felt like I was kissing my mother goodnight.
He pulled away abruptly, looking at me with wide eyes, as if he too did not enjoy the kiss.
I was such an idiot. I prayed that the Maker would strike me dead with a lightning bolt right then and there so that I didn’t have to experience this.
“Sorry,” I muttered, stumbling away from him. “I… have no idea what I was thinking.”
He reached out and took my hand. “No. Don’t be… I want to but… I’m not allowed.”
I stilled, his fingers in mine as I stared up at him. “You’re not allowed to kiss me?”
His cheeks pinked and he looked left and right as if making sure no one was close enough to hear us. “The king has told the entire Royal Guard that none of us may have you.”
That. Bastard.
“Why?” My heart hammered in my chest. I could physically feel the color draining from my face.