I thought of calling Reed, but it was too soon. I didn’t know what to say to him. Monday morning, though, I had to figure out what to say to him in a hurry when he showed up while I was working at the pharmacy. I figured Buddy had told him I was home. I wondered what else Buddy had said.
I smiled awkwardly at him as he walked to the counter where I was working. He didn’t return my smile. “Can you take a break?” he asked.
I looked toward my father, who was stocking boxes of aspirin on one of the shelves. “Hey, Reed,” Daddy said. He moved toward us, and they shook hands. “Good to see you.”
“You too, Mr. Hockley.”
“Can I take a quick break, Daddy?” I asked.
“Of course.” He smiled widely, no doubt wanting to do all he could to bring Reed and me together again.
We walked out front and sat down on the retaining wall in front of the pharmacy windows. We’d only been apart a few weeks, but it felt more like a year. “How’ve you been?” I asked. “How are things at the bank?”
“How are things at the bank?” he asked. “Do you really think that’s what I want to talk about right now?”
“You’re angry,” I said.
“I’m just … confused. It was too much, Ellie. You put yourself in harm’s way out there in Flint. You had no need to do that. No need at all. Those civil rights workers might as well have targets on their backs these days, and for what—”
“I’m a civil rights worker,” I interrupted him.
“What the hell got into you?” He ran a hand through his hair. “You had a perfectly good life and you went and upended it.”
I thought of how I’d told Win about Mattie Jenkins and me, and how my guilt was one of the things that started me on the path to SCOPE. I could tell Reed the same story and compare his reaction to Win’s, but I didn’t want to. I’d explained it once to the person who mattered most and he’d accepted me for it. I didn’t really care what Reed thought.
Yet I knew I still cared about Reed. I studied his beautiful blue eyes, cloudy now with anger. The way his thick dark hair fell over his forehead, forever annoying him. The lips I’d loved to kiss over the past four years. Of course I still loved him—there was no on/off switch for that emotion. But I didn’t love him the way I once did. Not the way I did before this summer.
“Are you going out with anyone?” I asked, not sure how I’d feel about his answer.
“No one special,” he said. “I was hoping you’d come back sooner rather than later.”
“I’m back, but I’m different.”
“I figured you would be,” he said. He looked across the street toward the hardware store. “Buddy told me about the colored guy,” he said. “He heard about it from someone and came right to my house to tell me. Hoped he could rile me up.”
“So, did you get riled up?”
“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I just hope that you’re done with whoever it is … and that you didn’t let it go too far.”
“I’m done.” I couldn’t leave it at that. That made it sound as though I’d willingly split up with Win. “I’m done with him because I don’t want him to get hurt again. Buddy beat him up and if he’s with me, I’m afraid that’ll be his life. Getting beaten up.”
“Do you love him?”
I hesitated a moment too long.
“There’s my answer,” he said, getting to his feet. When he looked down at me, his cheeks were blotched with red. “I still love you, Ellie. You know we had something good. We had the real thing for four years. The real thing isn’t always sunshine and roses and it’s not always … exciting or thrilling, but it’s solid. That’s the kind of thing that lasts. That’s what we had, you and me.”
I looked up at the blue sky, trying to pick apart my emotions. “I know,” I admitted. “I know it was good…” I almost called him “honey,” the way I used to. “But I don’t know how I feel anymore,” I said, looking squarely at him. He was as familiar to me as my family. “The one thing I know is that I can’t just pick up where we left off.”
“You’re damn straight about that,” he said.
Three women walked past us and into the pharmacy, the bell on the pharmacy door jingling. “I’d better get back,” I said. “I’m trying to keep on Daddy’s good side.”