Whatever it is, the world will never be the same.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
There’s an inferno inside me. Whirling and hungry. I’ve felt it before.
Jamie rolled toward me, sheets clinging to his sweat-slicked body. “I can feel it, too,” he said. “Simmering under your skin.”
I blinked in surprise. I hadn’t realized I’d spoken the words out loud. Maybe after so many interviews, I’d grown porous, the veil between inside and outside thin and breachable.
I leaned back next to him, my head finding the pillow, and we stared up at the popcorn ceiling, trying to catch our breath.
Jamie made me feel so good it worried me. If I was being honest with myself, Cal had been so self-absorbed, so uncurious, that being with him never felt like a risk. Jamie was different. Over and over he reached for me, like it was only natural. In the mornings, when his eyes opened on the other side of the bed and there was no pretense between us; at night, when I came back to the car and climbed over him without speaking, his mouth finding mine, no questions. Nothing that came this easy, no one who wanted this much, could ever be trusted.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said slowly. “I think I’m going to explode.”
His voice was painstakingly gentle. “Like senior year?”
I could feel my heart pumping, carrying blood to the surface of my skin. Every inch sparking, still sensitive from where he’d touched me. It was a tether to this room, but it wasn’t enough… Still, I was drifting.
Yes, I’d felt this way before.
“Like senior year,” I agreed.
“Will you finally tell me what happened, why they took valedictorian away? What did you do?”
The only two people I’d ever told were both dead. Perhaps I should tell one more person to create a record, just in case.
I reached for his phone one last time.
Chapter Thirty
Transgressions Episode 705, interview transcript: Shay Deroy, Sept. 22, 2022 （unabridged） SHAY DEROY: I’d been in love with Anderson Thomas since middle school. It was a quiet obsession, one I never thought would go anywhere.
JAMIE KNIGHT: Trust me. I remember.
SHAY: He was a shiny person, wasn’t he? The quarterback, from a good family, a mom and a dad, a sister. And he was so handsome it hurt to look at him. Everyone loved him.
JAMIE: Mmm.
SHAY: What?
JAMIE: Not everyone.
SHAY: You?
JAMIE: I saw him places you didn’t. In locker rooms, out on the field when we played soccer, at parties, when it was just guys in the room. I didn’t like who he was when he thought no one was watching.
（Silence.）
Listen to me interrupting you. I’m not being an objective observer; I’m making myself a character. Like some bullshit gonzo journalist. Sorry, Shay.
SHAY: Jamie, there’s no such thing as an objective observer. That’s why stories are powerful. If you’re listening, you’re part of it.
JAMIE: Maybe. But for ethical reasons, I’m going to have to present this episode some other way. Not journalism—a personal narrative or something. A confession.
SHAY: For what it’s worth, the fact that you don’t like Anderson makes this easier.
JAMIE: Makes what easier?
SHAY: You probably don’t remember I got a little popular at the end of high school.
JAMIE: I remember.
SHAY: The truth is, I got hungry.