He had tried to intercede, that had to count for something. Way too late, maybe, but at least he’d tried.
However, even he couldn’t delude himself into believing it’d accomplished anything, not really. That day, he’d started down a path he wasn’t ready for. He’d had no escape route, no way to disappear, no plan for what came after. He’d just wanted to make an aimless point with a big fucking nuclear middle finger. But what good was that to anyone?
It’d been nothing but a crime of passion enacted out of hatred and spite. He’d been trying to right a wrong that couldn’t be undone. Bombs couldn’t bring someone back from the dead.
He should have taken a page from Augustus’s book and played the long game. Made careful, calculated decisions, called in all his favors, manipulated and bribed people, honed the weapons of his own socioeconomic arsenal. Like Rake had said, fight fire with fire.
But it was far too late for that now. The only way out would be through. If he could make it out the other side, maybe he’d have a chance to try again, to do it right this time.
To do that, he’d need to find a way to not get killed—either by nature, or the Sentinels. He needed these people to trust him. Or more importantly, to make himself feel worthy of that trust. Maybe the way to do that was to simply be fucking trustworthy—to be useful, to be needed. To become one of them.
If he made his own mark, he could disassociate himself from fucking Augustus once and for all. And to do any of that, he would have to see this through to the end.
CHAPTER THIRTY
The tension melted from Adequin’s shoulders, and she slumped back in the pilot’s seat, wiping the sweat from her brow. The Synthesis’s cockpit had filled with a heavy quiet, marked only by ragged breathing.
Jackin broke the silence first, letting out a noise equal parts growl and hearty laugh. “Good fucking void, Rake. How many times in one day can you save us by almost killing us?”
Griffith chuckled, but it cut off with a sharp wince as he held a hand firmly to his rib cage. “Don’t make me laugh, North,” he pleaded. “I think the adrenaline scrubbed all the painkillers out of my system.”
Adequin sighed. In all the chaos, she’d completely forgotten about how injured both Jackin and Griffith were. She unhooked her harness and slid to the front edge of her seat, shaking out her arms, the adrenaline drop causing her muscles to tremble. “Yeah, we should get you both to the medbay. But let’s run a quick systems report to be safe.”
Griffith, Jackin, and Eura cycled through status screens for every system so Adequin could take stock of the total damage they’d taken. Other than some probably slightly melted heat-sink coils and completely exhausted shields, the worst outcome was the dent they’d put in the ammunition reserves. Despite the all-green propulsion diagnostic, she had Jackin add a full warp-drive assessment to the to-do list. Considering the horrific noise it’d made on activation, she wouldn’t feel comfortable sending the Synthesis out again until it’d been looked at. Though if Puck had figured out how to get the gate turned on, they wouldn’t need it.
After restoring atmosphere, she sent Griffith and Jackin ahead to the medbay, then unlocked the bulkheads, unsealed the vents, and returned the ship to its default state. She instructed Eura to hold down the cockpit, giving assurance that she’d send someone to relieve her shortly.
Adequin was disappointed but not surprised to discover the shoddy state of the Synthesis’s poor excuse for a medbay—which the Drudgers had treated more as a storage closet. The oculi had already removed dozens of crates in an effort to unearth a narrow counter of unused supplies. Griffith stood, head low, at the foot of a filthy exam table. On which lay Ivana, unmoving, unbreathing. The blood that stained her uniform had dried to a dark crimson, a sharp contrast to her colorless skin and pale blue lips.
Warner approached Adequin with the telltale clinking of loose dog tags, and a swell of bile rose up into the back of her throat. She closed a fist around the cold metal as he passed them to her.