22
Drop the Commandments. Live by the Code.
Cesar is suicidal and I had no idea.
He’s already at the hospital with my mom. Thank God Jamal waited for me to get home so he could take me. I’m sure Mom made him.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jamal mutters, gripping the wheel tight enough for his veins to show. I’m not sure if he’s talking to me or not. “I think I did the right thing? I don’t know what else I was supposed to do.” He’s practically hyperventilating.
If Jamal hadn’t been there . . .
“Tell me what happened. All of it,” I manage to say. Jamal’s already been through the story twice, but I can’t seem to grasp onto the details. Everything after “Cesar is suicidal” just becomes a blur. I force myself to make sense of the words this time.
“He called me a while ago. He was crying really hard and it was kind of hard to understand him, but he just kept begging me to stop him. I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I just came over.” Jamal takes in a shaky breath before continuing. “He . . . he wanted to . . .” Jamal’s voice catches like he’s going to cry.
“He wanted to what?” I ask, even though I know the answer. I need to hear it out loud.
Jamal wipes a stream of tears from his cheek with one hand and sniffles. “To die, Yami. But he also must not have wanted to, or he wouldn’t have called me, right?” Jamal sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than me. He looks at me with tears in his eyes. I nod, since words are escaping me.
“Wait, did he hurt himself?” I cover my mouth.
“No, I got there before he did anything. We called a hotline. I didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t calming down, so they had us three-way call your mom and take him in. He didn’t fight me on it. I think he knows he needs help.” His voice shakes as he talks, and I can’t bring myself to say anything back.
It should have been me. Why didn’t he call me? I had no idea he needed help. He was doing great in school. He hasn’t gotten in any fights. But clearly he wasn’t as happy as he let on. I think back to the conversation between Cesar, Jamal, and me, walking to get Takis. Cesar said tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. I thought he was saying anyone could die at any moment, but no. He was saying his future wasn’t guaranteed. I’m so angry with myself for not having figured it out then. He tried to tell me. . . . We’re supposed to be able to read each other’s minds. In lak’ech ala k’in. I should have known. I should have known.
Jamal’s phone rings and he hands it to me. Mom starts yelling before I get a chance to say anything.
“What is wrong with you, child? You should have been there! But instead you’re ditching to be with some boy for some stupid holiday while Jamal is over here picking up your slack.”
“That’s not why—” I start, but I can’t argue. She’s right. I should have been home with him. And she should be with him right now instead of yelling at me. “I’m almost there, so you can tell me how everything is my fault then.”
I hang up. I want to cry, but I can’t.
“It’s not your fault, Yami,” Jamal says as we pull up to the ER. “Keep me updated, okay?”
I nod and get out of the car. I have to sit in the waiting room instead of with my brother while I wait for my mom to take me to his room. All I hear is her voice yelling in my ear that I should have been there with him. I should have been there with him. But I was celebrating. I was having fun while my brother was . . .
I have no idea how long I’m waiting there before I hear her voice for real.
“He’s okay, mi amor, he’s okay,” she says, but I can hear that she’s sobbing. I’m guessing she’s telling Papi what happened. I selfishly wonder if he’d be willing to talk to me right now, because of the intensity of the situation. But before I can ask to talk to him, Mami’s already hung up, and she’s hugging me. I didn’t see her coming. She’s crying, and I’m not. I can’t. Not until I see my brother. She grabs my hand and leads me through several hallways. The hospital is a maze. Even with my mom guiding my hand, I feel so lost.