“What are down on yourself over?”
He finally sits down and lets out a breath.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, okay?”
“Okay . . .”
“I’m happy for you and Bo . . . I really am. Like, super happy. But at the same time, it kind of sucks. I feel like an asshole . . . because of Jamal. He was my person, you know? He took me seriously, even when I tried to cover everything up with jokes. He always took me serious. I fucked that up. And here you are being super proud and out with Bo, but I couldn’t even put on that ring. I feel like a fucking coward.”
“You’re not a coward. Jamal knew you wouldn’t put it on right away. It was always on your timeline when you wanted to come out. I only did it because I felt ready. And you shouldn’t feel like you have to come out just because I did. Or because of Jamal, or anyone but you. It has nothing to do with how brave you are.”
“I’m not scared to come out, it’s just . . . I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You’re ashamed . . . ?”
“I don’t know!” he shouts. “I mean, I’m not ashamed of you. Or Jamal, or Bo, or anyone else. It’s personal. But I can’t be with Jamal without making him feel it too, you know? It’s a hard feeling to break away from. I’m trying, though. Really hard.”
“I know.”
It’s a while before he says anything else.
“I invited Jamal to gay prom. He said yes. I think . . . I’ll wear the ring.”
“Really?” I know it’s a serious moment, but I have to purse my lips hard to fight back a squeal.
He laughs. “Go ahead, Yami.”
“Ahhhh, I’m so happy!” I let it out. “We can finally double-date! We don’t even have to fake-relationship double-date!” I hug him. He lets me but doesn’t hug back.
“I don’t think he wants to be my boyfriend anymore. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if we’re ready to jump back into it. For now, it’s just gay prom. As friends.”
“Friends who are in love with each other?”
“Yup.” Cesar chuckles, but I can tell it’s forced. “I guess we’ll see where things go, eventually.”
“Well, it’s probably good to take it slow. Gives you some time to take care of yourself first. Because you really need to take care of yourself, Cesar.”
“I just want to take it back. I let that priest get to me, you know? I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said when he was arguing with Bo. And when he told me to break up with Jamal, I felt like it was my only option.”
“I actually got something totally different out of that argument.” I almost laugh. “Bo was reciting Bible verses, too. Just because she’s not a priest doesn’t mean she’s wrong. Honestly, that was when I decided I could be okay with it, you know?”
Cesar laughs. “How’d we hear the exact same conversation and get totally opposite things from it? I thought we were supposed to be the same.”
“We’re really different, actually.” I smile.
“What ever happened to in lak’ech? You’re shattering my whole motto here.”
I laugh. “In lak’ech doesn’t have to mean we’re the same. It’s like . . . we see each other, you know? I get you.”
“Yeah. I get you.” He gives me a half smile, which is good enough for me right now.
“Well, I’m going to go start getting ready now.”