“Don’t overthink it. You’re supposed to be in the fun stage!” he says.
“How is it fun? I feel like I’m being crushed from all sides. Is that why it’s called a crush? Because that’s what it feels like.” I roll over. “Seriously, tell me how it’s supposed to be fun so I can stop wanting to die.”
Cesar’s expression changes to something unreadable.
“Sorry, I guess I shouldn’t joke about that,” I say.
He just shakes his head, like he’s shaking away whatever thoughts just flew through his brain. “Anyway. You got to let go of any kind of expectation on the other person and enjoy the feeling, you know? Let the butterflies stick around. Eat it up whenever she does something cute, just because it’s cute. It’s a crush, it’s supposed to be fun.”
“How’d you get to be so mature, huh? Is Jamal that good an influence?”
“Nah, I’m just super mature.” He grins, then glances at the promise ring on the nightstand, and the smile disappears.
“Are you guys okay?”
“Yeah,” he answers quickly, shooting me an annoyed glare. “Don’t change the subject. What’s happening with you and Bo?”
“There is no me and Bo. I like her, that’s it. It’s not gonna happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not telling her. I already know she doesn’t like me anyway. I think she has a girlfriend.” I sigh, not mentioning the embarrassing fact that I told Bo I was straight.
“What do you mean, you think?”
“I mean, she told me she had one back at homecoming.”
“Has she mentioned anything about her girlfriend since then?” Cesar asks.
“Well, no, but—”
“So it was probably just a quick thing. Bet you money she’s single now.”
I roll onto my side and rest my chin on my palm. “I feel like Bo would have said something if they broke up, though.”
“People don’t always have to talk about breakups, Yami. Shit happens.”
“I guess.” I’m not totally convinced. Wouldn’t Bo have mentioned a breakup?
“Why are you so desperate to keep your feelings a secret? You already know she’s gay, so if she doesn’t feel the same, at least she’ll understand. It’s not like she’ll go telling people.”
“You don’t know that! What if she tells everyone?”
“Why would she tell anyone?”
“I don’t know, to embarrass me . . .” It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.
“I think you’re just making excuses because you’re scared.”
“Aren’t you scared?” I say. He has to be scared of Mom finding out about him, too.
“I meant about Bo.”
“I’m not scared.” I roll my eyes.
He smirks like he knows he’s right. And he is, but I’m not admitting it to him. But I let him give me advice and ask me whatever questions he wants. It’s all talk, because I’m going to do nothing about this crush until I eventually suck all the fun out of it and it goes away.
My phone beeps at me. I grab for it quicker than I should on the off chance it’s my dad.
Bianca: I miss you . . .
I stare at the text, half expecting to blink and realize I’m seeing things. But the name on my screen doesn’t change, no matter how many times I blink at it. A smile creeps onto my face.