She had seen people subjected to endless waits for visas they were never granted, suffer from delayed ships that started the abysmal process over again, and even people who were cheated out of their life savings in a desperate bid to book passage from Lisbon. Only the extremely wealthy could afford seats on the plane she would be boarding the next morning. The letters she had salvaged spoke of the Nazis’ unimaginable brutality, as had the stories she’d heard. Yet so many had endured, resilient and brave as they left their lives behind to save their families. And, as she so often did, she thought of Otto whose barred entry from her homeland had been so great, he could not bring himself to continue on even one more day.
Plato said courage was knowing what not to fear. In looking back on her time in Lisbon, Ava realized now that wisdom was also knowing what to fear. In the face of what so many others had endured, flying was such a pale, petty thing.
The morning of her flight came upon her quickly. She was ready with her small apartment neatly packed into two suitcases and the copy of Little Women carefully tucked among her folded dresses.
She pushed out the door of her building and nearly ran headlong into a man. With a gasp she drew herself upright, having come face-to-face with James for the first time since his confession.
“Ava.” His blue-green eyes locked on hers, and her heart squeezed with more feeling than she wished.
His lean frame had filled out in the months since they’d seen one another. Beneath a gray fedora, his hair was freshly trimmed, and his skin glowed with good health. He put his hand out to stop her from leaving. “Please let me speak.”
Once before she’d told him to go away and had spent the time since regretting the decision. She would not make the same mistake again.
“Have you been waiting out here for me?” she asked in surprise.
He gave a sheepish smile. “I couldn’t miss a final opportunity to talk.”
No matter had fully she thought she quashed all sense of hope, it now flared to life, foolish and eager, revived by his mere presence. For all she knew, he was there to apologize one last time.
She tensed, bracing herself for what he intended to say.
“I have something for you.” He reached into his pocket, the contents of which gave a slight rattle.
She held out her hand and was surprised to find a set of aged, yellowing dice fall into her palm, their dyed black grooves chipped in several places. They were still warm from the heat of his body.
“For luck,” he said. “My father was a fighter pilot in the Great War and gave them to me to keep me safe. I know you’re flying out today and I thought…”
“You thought it would give me confidence on the plane,” she said with a smile at the generosity of his gift.
He nodded.
“I’m not as afraid of flying as I once was.” She extended her hand to give the dice back.
“All the same, I’d like to know you’re safe.” He did not reach for the dice. He wasn’t even looking at her hand, but at her, studying her face as if he expected to never see her again. “The thing of it is, Ava, I care greatly for you. I cared for you before, but in the absence of your company, I cannot seem to put you from my thoughts. And I do not even begrudge the space you occupy in my mind. Rather, I find it comforting in a familiar, pleasant manner. I…” He exhaled a laugh. “I’m making a bloody fool of myself.”
All the willpower in the world would not quell the heat blossoming in Ava’s chest. “I thought you were doing very well.”
He gave a lopsided grin and put his hands in his pockets. “I’ll be returning to London soon, with a proper address. Perhaps we might write, or even see one another. Alfie said the London Museum has heaps of material in French and German to sift through. Journals and letters, like the ones you were collecting. Maybe someday you might come for a week or so. Or I might—”