‘Right. OK.’ My face burned. I was no more than an inconvenience, a silly pregnant student he hoped would go away.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jeremy said, quietly. ‘I know that’s hard.’
Jill held my hand for a moment. Then she started scribbling on the envelope again. Why this baby? she wrote.
‘Er – why this baby?’ I asked obediently.
‘What do you mean?’
I looked at Jill. I had no idea what she’d meant.
Weird it’s his cousin’s? she scribbled.
‘Would you not find it difficult – strange, even – bringing up your cousin’s baby? I mean, what if David’s wife found out?’ I added, as the wheels of my brain began to turn again. ‘How would he feel, seeing the child all the time? What if he changed his mind and said he wanted to bring it up himself?’
Jeremy didn’t say anything for a while. ‘I can’t answer any of those questions,’ he replied, eventually. ‘Janice and I were up nearly all night discussing the things that could go wrong. David says he’d be fine with the arrangement, but there’s no guaranteeing how he’d feel when he met the child. You’re right to ask, and I’m right not to pretend I have the answer.’
Even Jill had nothing to say to that.
‘All I know is that this feels like an arrangement that would make perfect sense. The baby is family. We’d be able to take him or her at birth – I mean, if you agreed, which might never happen, and that would be fine, of course . . . What I mean is, we’d be getting a baby we felt we knew. And after the time we’ve had, that’s appealing.’
‘You don’t know me,’ I said, childishly. I was out of my depth now.
‘I don’t! But I liked you, that night. I thought you were bright, and very kind. You told me a bit about your father.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. Not much, but it sounded like you cared for him beautifully when he was in the grip of the drink. I suppose I just got the impression I was talking to a decent young woman.’
‘I wasn’t expecting this,’ was what I said, eventually.
‘Of course. Which is why I think I should go, and let you mull it over. Unless it’s a flat no, in which case, please say.’
He waited, but I didn’t say anything. Then he gave me his email address, so I could send a Flat No if a phone call felt too intimidating.
‘Or, if you’re open to the possibility, we’ll arrange a time to talk further. I’m sure you’d have many questions. There wouldn’t be any rush to start talking to social services, or the adoption agency.’
They’d thought this whole thing out already. They knew exactly how it would work; what would have to happen. How they could take this baby in my womb and make it their own.
‘I . . . OK.’ I said, and then I started to cry, and Jill took the phone and told Jeremy it was time to end the call.
He didn’t sound surprised someone else had been listening in. ‘I’m glad she has a friend in her corner,’ he said, before ringing off. ‘Do take care of her.’
I liked that. And I liked him. Not many public figures would be so open about their personal lives.
But appreciating someone’s honesty was a long way off handing them your child.
Chapter Thirty-Six
There was a young woman called Erica whom Dad used to visit, back before the Marines when he was just a parish priest. She was a single mother, nineteen years old and alone in the world, entirely dependent on state benefits. I was only two or three at the time, but I read about her in Dad’s diaries after he died.