Chapter Forty-One
DIARY OF JANICE ROTHSCHILD
November 1st, 2000
E’s grandmother says I can visit. Seems desperately upset and stressed about the whole thing.
Been reading about postpartum psychosis. I know E will get better. But what then? Grandmother 80ish and E’s recovery will probably be slow and difficult. I worry for Emily and I worry for Charlie.
Having a lot of thoughts about how much better off this baby would have been with us, but obv can’t voice them to anyone. Especially J. He thinks my visits are a terrible idea.
BUT: we have a meeting with the adoption agency about a newborn who might be available quite soon （They’d said it could take years! Amazing!） so J going easy on me.
He’s right, tho – I probably shouldn’t be going to see E. Thing is, I like her. Kind of reminds me of me, at her age.
Anyway. Must get stuff together and go visit her.
November 2nd, 2000
Oh God. Oh God, oh God.
Last 24 hours playing over and over in my head.
The most horrifying of all horrifying things.
Yesterday I went to visit Emily at the MBU and found her trying to smother Charlie.
Was frazzled when I arrived which probably hasn’t helped with the stress – J and I had had a fight before I left: he actually asked me if I was trying to change Emily’s mind about the adoption. （What kind of monster does he think I am?）
I was walking down the corridor towards Emily’s room and thought I heard laughter and a game of peekaboo. But it must have been someone else, because when I walked through her door, she was trying to suffocate Charlie with a pillow.
I screamed, managed to stop her. Alarms going off, chaos, they took me away but I could hear her crying and begging them to give Charlie back as I left the ward.
I honestly thought she was getting better – a lot better – but she must have relapsed. I know she loves him. She wouldn’t dream of hurting him in her right mind.
Would do anything to get that image of the pillow out of my mind. I just can’t stand it.
J was right. I should never have visited her.
Chapter Forty-Two
EMILY
I knew nothing until the moment Janice Rothschild was in the room, screaming ‘STOP! Emily! Stop!’
I froze. People ran in.
Janice said something to a nurse, who tried to take Charlie away, so I held on. Janice was taken out of the room. She was crying. One of her hands was over her mouth, as if she’d just been sick, or witnessed something too terrible to comprehend. Seconds later, Shazia arrived.
I didn’t know what was happening, only that it was bad. They’d reduced my antipsychotic drugs two days ago. Had I done something crazy? I tried to rewind the last hour but nothing was there, just a red sea of panic. A guitar riff played over and over in my ears, as if to stop me remembering.
‘Help me,’ I said. ‘Shazia, what are they doing?’
Shazia, who seemed shaken for the first time since I’d arrived here, crouched down next to my bed, where I was sitting, holding onto Charlie.
‘We have to talk to you,’ she said. ‘Away from Charlie. Can you give him to me, Emily?’
I started crying. ‘Why? What have I done? Why can’t he stay? Why can’t I hold him?’
Shazia put both hands on my knees. ‘Will you trust me?’ she asked. ‘Will you trust me to take him away so I can talk to you for a few minutes, and then bring him back to you?’