“Why not, Roman? You’re not the man you were.”
“I’m not the man she needs.”
Brian laughed and shook his head. “Listen to you, playing the martyr. If all you want is a roll in the hay, then, yes, I agree. Leave her alone. But you want more, don’t you?”
“I’ve laid out my fleece.” Brian would understand. The Old Testament prophet Gideon had laid out a fleece twice to be certain God was speaking, that what he heard wasn’t just his imagination. Roman knew asking for three confirmations was pushing it, but he wanted to discern whether it was God nudging him or his own sinful heart leading him on. I need to be sure, Lord. I know what I want, but there are plenty of days when I still don’t know what’s right.
“Okay.” Brian stood. “I’d better get to bed or I’ll be too tired to face tomorrow. I’ve got counseling appointments all morning, so I won’t make lunch.” They’d been meeting every Wednesday for months. Brian opened the door and then looked back at Roman. “You mentioned going to San Francisco after you finished the wall. Still planning on taking that trip?”
Something else God had been pressing him to do. “I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Whatever it is that’s holding you back, remember, you already survived it.”
“That doesn’t mean I want to relive it.”
After Brian left, Roman watched the basketball game—or tried to. He kept thinking about going to San Francisco. Would he ever be completely at peace unless he went back to the Tenderloin and took a slow walk through his past? What good is it to remember the bad stuff, the shame, the anger that got me into so much trouble? Why do You keep pushing me to do this? What do you want from me, Jesus?
Go with open eyes, Bobby Ray. Look for Me.
The hair stood on the back of Roman’s neck. He knew that still, small voice. When the suggestion came from Brian, Roman ignored it. Now, it was a command.
I know what happened there, Lord. I’ve confessed it. Why do You keep hounding me about it?
Roman wanted to go on making excuses, but he knew he wasn’t going to find any peace in disobedience. Rubbing his face, Roman leaned back. Okay, okay. I get the message. Just don’t expect me to be happy about it.
Grace left the UC Merced campus in high spirits. Her meeting with the dean of admissions went far better than expected. Her UCLA transcripts had been transferred. The dean was impressed. She could qualify for financial assistance, and the education and sociology departments had test programs for children. Samuel would make a good guinea pig, but he’d miss his playtime with Matías. The two little boys got along better than brothers.
On the drive home, she thought about how much time VirtualGrace.biz demanded. A scholarship was one thing; financial aid in the form of a loan was another. She’d be reducing her income by cutting back on work hours, and she’d also be taking on school debt. It was all well and good to dream about returning to college, but she needed to think about whether now was the right time. Samuel was changing so quickly, she didn’t want to miss a minute with him. Dorothy had volunteered to babysit, but three mornings a week and two nights away was too much time. Her education could wait until Samuel was old enough for preschool.
But then, she might decide to homeschool him.
Grace gave a soft laugh as she parked in front of the bungalow. “I guess I’m supposed to wait, Lord.” With so many questions and conflicting emotions, she didn’t want to plow ahead. All things in God’s perfect timing. Now didn’t seem to be it.
Aunt Elizabeth came up to spend the weekend. Chuckling, she put her overnight case on the dresser. “I can’t believe I’m going to be sleeping in a race car bed!” It was a full-size twin bed and comfortable.
“Samuel won’t mind.” Grace kissed his neck as he rode her hip. “He’s going to sleep with Mommy.”
Dorothy and George invited them for Saturday brunch. “We’re leaving for San Francisco on Monday.”
“Another cruise.” George sighed dramatically. “She goes online, finds deals, and drags me along.”
“Quit pretending you don’t love it.” Dorothy laughed, admitting she loved cruises on Princess ships and jumped on last-minute, low-cost bookings. “It’s just ten days this time, down to Mexico and back.”
George winked. “She won’t have to cook.”
Aunt Elizabeth smiled. “Well, before you book another trip, Dorothy, I’d like you to come to Fresno. We can have lunch. I want you to meet my friend Miranda Spenser. You two have a lot in common.”