“Of course,” I lied. “And I never said anything about marriage. I just said I wanted to wait until I fell in love.”
“Then why do you have birth control pills in your bureau drawer.”
“Why are you looking in my bureau drawer?”
“I needed to borrow a pair of underwear. All of mine are dirty.”
“Gross.”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Whatever. I have them just in case.”
“Just in case you suddenly fall in love for the first time?”
“No,” I said. And this, at least, was the truth. I hesitated a breath before saying, “Anyway, I already have.”
“Have what?”
“Been in love.”
“Huh. That’s news. But then, why no sex?”
“It’s Jonas.”
Anna looked confused. “Wait. That kid who used to follow you around?”
I nodded.
“Okay, that’s a bit pervy. Excellent choice on the no-sex thing.”
“He grew up. But yeah.”
“So, what happened?”
Standing there in the familiar sea, looking at my beautiful sister, dark hair against the infinite blue, I thought about telling her everything. It would be such a relief. But instead I said, “His mother sent him to camp in Maine.”
“That woman is so unpleasant. Every time I see her I feel like shitting on her shoes,” Anna said.
* * *
—
I watch Anna and Gina walk away in search of beer, feeling sick to my stomach. I have never felt anything with Jonas but our unique symbiosis, but I don’t know this man. This Jonas has dead eyes.
“I had no idea you would be here,” I say.
He stands there, letting me dangle.
“Jonas. Don’t do this.”
He stares at me. Says nothing.
“I called to tell you, but your number was disconnected. I was planning to call your mom to get it. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“My mother is a stupid bigmouthed cow. I told her not to say anything to anyone.”
“It’s not a big deal.” He pulls open a bag of potato chips and shoves a handful into his mouth. Offers me the bag.
“You have every right to be mad at me.”
“Please. Don’t worry about it. That’s ancient history.”
“I saw the look on your face when you saw me.”
“I didn’t expect to see you here. That’s all.”
“Don’t lie. I hate it when you lie.”
“I’m not lying, Elle. I was angry at you for disappearing on me again. It was rude. You called me. You’re the one who said we should be friends. It made me feel like an idiot. But I’m over it. It was a million years ago. I was a stupid kid with a stupid crush.”
“Wow,” I say, my voice teeth against teeth. “That’s a truly shitty thing to say.”
“I don’t mean it to be. I’m trying to tell you it’s fine. The past is the past. I’m with Gina now. I’m in love with Gina.”
“She’s twelve.”
“Don’t do that,” Jonas says. “It’s beneath you.”
“She doesn’t even eat fish.”
* * *
—
When the night sky is black, and everyone has gathered close around the warmth of the bonfire, I move away into the darkness. I need to pee. I sit on the uphill slant at the base of the staggering dunes, pull my jeans down to my knees, dig a little hole underneath me. The stream of pee vanishes into the sand. As Anna has always said, peeing on the beach sitting down is even better than peeing in the shower standing up. I pull my pants back on and move two feet to my right, sit down again on safer ground. I can barely see my hands, it’s so dark out here. Moonless dark. Jonas and Gina are huddled together at the far edge of the fire. Their faces glow in the golden-orange flicker. He looks around the gathered circle, scanning, and I know he’s looking for me. He starts to stand, then changes his mind. I watch him stare at the deepening embers, watch his eyebrows knit together because he’s had a thought that bothers him, and I know he is thinking about me. This man who saved me. Who I have hurt. Whose trust I’ve now lost. I promise myself that, somehow, I will find a way to make things right.
High above the tallest dune, a star appears in the sky, faint at first, then gaining strength until it becomes a brilliant jewel. And yet I know it is death I am seeing. The flickering out. The silent gasp. The sputtering beauty. A desperate flame—massive, transcendent—fighting for its last breath.