Wait. I blink as Humph swings in and out of my restricted view. Is that Humph? I can scarcely believe it. I know Bean said he’d changed, but he’s practically unrecognizable. His eyebrows are groomed. His hair is almost cool. He’s thinner, bearded, and wearing a black dinner jacket which is kind of…sleek.
The idea that Humph and sleek might go together is unbelievable.
“We didn’t meet earlier,” I can hear him saying to Lacey as he extends a hand. “Humphrey.”
“You’re the Honorable Humph!” exclaims Lacey in delight. “Does everyone around this table have a fancy title or is it just these two gorgeous men? I’m a sucker for a good-looking man,” she adds to Bean. “You know? A really handsome man. It’s Lacey’s way.” She beams and throws back her hair.
“I prefer hideously ugly men,” says Bean, deadpan, but Lacey completely misses the irony.
“Do you?” she says with a bright vagueness, her attention already back on Humph. “And what do you do?” She gives a sudden excited gasp. “Don’t tell me—squire of the manor.”
“I’m a medical practitioner,” says Humph pleasantly, and I frown, puzzled. A medical practitioner? Surely Humph went to agricultural college?
“Snap!” says Lacey, looking from Joe to Humph. “Two doctors in the house.”
“Not really,” says Joe, taking a gulp of wine.
“I practice alternative medicine,” explains Humph. He takes a small brown bottle out of his pocket and drops a colorless liquid into his water glass.
“What’s that?” queries Lacey eagerly.
“It’s a digestive compound,” says Humph. “Everyone should take it.”
“In your unqualified opinion,” puts in Joe, and Humph gives a long, pitying sigh.
“I’m fully qualified in Dr. Herman Spinken’s techniques of internal alignment,” he says smoothly to Lacey. “There’s a website I can point you to. We have some impressive testimonies.”
“Impressive prices too,” says Joe. “Or, wait, do I mean ‘extortionate’？” Humph glares briefly at him before turning back to Lacey.
“Unfortunately, the ‘establishment’ doesn’t yet understand Dr. Spinken’s theories. Joe and I have already had to agree to disagree on that one. But if you are interested, Lacey, I have a regular clinic nearby. Do come along for a half-price starter session.” He’s already produced a business card, which he hands to Lacey.
“Humphrey Pelham-Taylor, Associate Practitioner, The Spinken Institute,” Lacey reads off the card. “Sounds very grand!”
“How long was your course, Humph?” says Joe evenly. “A month?”
Humph doesn’t even flicker.
“More attack from mainstream medicine,” he says sadly. “The length of the course is irrelevant. It’s not about ‘learning facts,’ it’s about awakening our minds to what we already know instinctively.”
“Oh, really?” says Joe. “So, are you ‘instinctively’ qualified in pharmacology, Humph?”
Humph gives Joe a baleful look, then turns to address Lacey.
“When we were babies, we understood instinctively how to align our spines, our inner organs, and our rhu.”
“What’s our rhu?” says Lacey, looking fascinated.
“Rhu is a Spinken concept,” says Humph, and Joe snorts on his wine. “It’s the energy of our internal organs. It produces a transcending, healing power. Healthcare begins and ends with the rhu.” He taps his chest and Krista chimes in, “Humph’s a marvel, Lace. That herbal drink I swig? Got it from Humph. Perks me right up, that does!” She twinkles at Humph, who beams back, pleased.
“Well, I’ll definitely look into it.” Lacey puts the card in her bag. “Lucky me, meeting a Spinken expert and the Doctor of Hearts!”
“Yes, you’re quite the A-lister now, aren’t you?” says Humph snidely to Joe. “I’m amazed you’ve got time for any patients, in between all those interviews and red carpets.”
I see a ripple of annoyance pass over Joe’s face, but he doesn’t rise to the bait.
“We’ve been trying to keep up with your girlfriends in the media, Dr. Joe,” Krista joins in teasingly. “But there are just too many. You’re such a Casanova!”
“Not really,” says Joe. “Most of my apparent paramours are simply women I happened to be adjacent to in the street for thirty seconds. On my way to work.”