“Next year, I’ll be Ginger. Then we’ll win,” Ethan says, laughing so hard at the whole misunderstanding that he looks like he might wet his pants.
On the way home, we dance down the sidewalk in front of his house. Ethan sings Top Hat, White Tie and Tails at the top of his lungs while he twirls me around. When he tries to dip me, we stumble to the ground. We lie on the sidewalk laughing, and stare at the stars. It feels like a movie. I didn’t get to go to my prom, but I’m sure this is so much better.
“See that one?” Ethan says, pointing at a strip of stars that may or may not be a constellation. “That’s Cassiopeia, and that one is Orion, and that one’s Steve.”
I giggle, and it eggs Ethan on.
“That one is Phyllis, and there’s Charlie. Over there, Esmerelda.”
“And that one…” I point up, tracing my finger in the shape of a top hat, even though there aren’t necessarily stars to back it up. “That one is Ethan.”
Ethan tips his head to the side and looks at me. “Oh, I love you, Angel. This is the best night I’ve had in such a long time.”
“I love you, E.T.,” I say. “This is the best night I’ve ever had,”
He grabs my hand. “Well, sure,” he says, smiling. “One up me.”
— Chapter 53 —
Robert is cooking breakfast again. It’s a Thursday morning. I just played the restaurant last night and the bar over the weekend. Robert can’t find reliable bands. I draw crowds. I sell CDs. So it’s not like I’m complaining, but I’m tired. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like a bag of bones.
Ethan is drinking coffee and pushing scrambled eggs around his plate. “Why don’t you ever make pancakes?” he says.
“April doesn’t like pancakes. Hey, honey.” Robert kisses my cheek when I walk in the room. “I need a favor. That Celtic band canceled.”
Tightness creeps up from my belly and into my throat. I burst into tears and run to the bathroom.
I hear Robert talk, but I can’t hear what he says. Ethan’s response is clear. “She’s pregnant, you dope.” I don’t know how he knows. It wasn’t even something I let myself think.
Robert opens the bathroom door without knocking. He sits on the side of the tub next to me. His eyes are full and shiny. He hugs me, kisses my head. “She’s going to be beautiful,” he says.
— Chapter 54 —
Ethan has job offers to teach at Oberlin, DePaul, and Ithaca, but he swears he’s right where he wants to be. He loves the baby too much. He loves me too much and I need him, so he can’t possibly go. He says he needs to be needed. It’s this heartbreaking thing, because we all know it would be best for him to take one of those jobs, and then the thought of being here without him is too hard to even think about. It’s so selfish for me to need him the way I do, but I can’t help it.
Ethan ran into Ivan last week. At the grocery store. He hid in the stock room and they thought he was shoplifting. Even though he didn’t have anything on him, they couldn’t get creative and think of any other reason a person would ever be hiding in a stock room all sweaty and shaking. It’s not like he had a grapefruit shoved down his pants. Robert had to go get him from the store security office and vouch for him, whatever that means.
If anyone ever deserved a fresh start, it’s Ethan. I wish we could all go with him. Me, Robert, and the baby. But Robert can’t leave the bar and restaurant and I can’t leave Robert, and Ethan doesn’t want to break up our weird, wonderful little family. If I were a better person and a better friend, I would tell him to go. I think about how I would do it. Plan it out in my head. I would sit him down and make him coffee and have cookies from that place he likes on Biltmore and tell him we’d call and visit and write and send so many pictures. I would tell him there will be new people for him to love. But I can’t. I know it’s wrong that I want to keep him. But I do.
— Chapter 55 —
Robert books a doctor’s appointment for me. There’s talk of a wedding. Of health insurance. Of things that leave me gasping for air if I think about them too much. But this first appointment he’s just paying for. We want to hear the heartbeat without having to wait for all the paperwork.
I heard once that before you drown, you get euphoric. That’s what this feels like. Happy drowning. I have a family now. I have a home. I am terrified.
Robert waits outside the exam room while I undress and put on that paper gown and drape like the nurse told me to. It’s funny how there’s sex-naked and doctor’s-office-naked and they’re not at all the same thing.