“Tough break on the promotion, Collins.”
Wes—the less cut-throat of the two—glances at me over his shoulder, pity evident in his gaze.
This is rock bottom.
Suitcase open and waiting on my bed, I sip on the wine I uncorked last night, rather than popping the champagne I bought three months ago in preparation for celebration. An expensive bottle I charged when told I was in the running for VP. A few gulps in, I submerge into my waiting bath, body humming with relief when my phone pings. Unable to resist due to Sophies impending update on Jonathan, I lift it from the side of the tub to see yet another email chain from my father. Allen Collins—much like my mother—does not mess around when it comes to Christmas. Holiday enthusiasts would be an understatement where my parents are concerned.
Dad’s got a serious agenda this year and even included a mission statement. It amazes me how creative he’s become since retiring. So far, he’s got our family holiday mapped out to the point that it seems more like a war plan. Google documents have become his latest obsession. So far, I’ve filled out four. Tonight’s document is solely for the purpose of karaoke music requests. I blame my father for my organizational skills and the lack of sanity that occurs when things don’t go according to my grand plans. Hence the hard loss that I’m trying to numb myself from and the sting that I was supposed to be celebrating tonight, and possibly on the prowl for a new part-timer like Kyle. As my career aspiration bubble bursts, I fight to stay in relaxation mode as long as possible, knowing that the next week is going to be nothing short of chaotic. Foregoing a reply to drown in my pity tub, it becomes impossible with the slew of incoming replies.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke Dear Clark,
I know you mean well by gathering intel on the importance of choices like Christmas turkey or ham, but my son just literally took a dump in my hand. So, while I understand the significance of a good karaoke selection, I must insist that we fly by the seat of our pants and live a little. Spontaneity never hurts anyone. Right now, I’m in the mood to sing gangster rap. Tomorrow might feel like an eighties rock ballad.
Sincerely,
Your son with literal shit to deal with.
Brenden Collins
CEO Networth Inc.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke Son,
In all the time you were ranting that you had no time, you could have filled out the form. Get it done. No excuses. And stop comparing me to Clark Griswold. He has an ass chin. I’m much, much better looking.
Dad
Donor of the sperm that created you.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke I miss the days when you couldn’t figure out how to text, and you put LOL at the end of everything.
Best,
The only sperm that counts. Please keep in mind that this is my COMPANY email address.
Brenden Collins
CEO Networth Inc.
Serena chimes in next.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke Filled it out Dad. Love you. -Serena O’Neal sent via iPhone
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke Serena,
You’re in the next room. You could have told me.
Dad
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke You guys are blowing up my email. Stop replying all.
Serena is an ass-kisser.
Sincerely,
The only person worthy of carrying on the family name.
Brenden Collins
CEO Networth Inc.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke I don’t have your form in yet, Son.
Allen Collins
#BOSS
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke This isn’t social media, Dad. You don’t use hashtags on email. LOL.
-Serena O’Neal sent via iPhone An automated reply from Brenden pops up immediately.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke I’m currently out of the office until January 3rd. Please email my assistant for further assistance—[email protected] Brenden Collins
CEO Networth Inc.
December 19, 2021
Subject: Collins Christmas Karaoke Happy Holidays Adria,
I’m writing in regard to my son’s lack of capability in filling out a simple form. I’m unsure at this point how he graduated from college and obtained the position necessary to occupy a CEO desk chair and take a salary. Please see attached Google document and assist him in filling it out. This is time-sensitive, so I appreciate your help in resolving this urgent matter.
Sincerely,
Allen Collins
President of all things Collins #fillouttheformson