And if we go too far—if we maximize on regret minimization—we can make our situation even worse.
At the same time, people around the world consistently express the same four core regrets. These regrets endure. They reveal fundamental human needs. And together, they offer a path to the good life.
The Regret Optimization Framework holds that we should devote time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. But anticipating regrets outside these four categories is usually not worthwhile.
So, under the Regret Optimization Framework, when deciding a course of action, begin by asking whether you are dealing with one of the four core regrets.
If not, satisfice. For example, if you’re buying lawn furniture or a（nother） microwave oven, that decision is unlikely to involve any fundamental, enduring human need. Make a choice and move on. You’ll be fine.
If the decision does involve one of the big four, spend more time deliberating. Project yourself into the future—five years, ten years, at age eighty, whatever makes sense. From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them. Use this framework a few times, and you will begin to see its power.
Our everyday lives consist of hundreds of decisions—some of them crucial to our well-being, many of them inconsequential. Understanding the difference can make all the difference. If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value. Regret—that maddening, perplexing, and undeniably real emotion—points the way to a life well lived.
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR REGRETS: A RECAP
For an Action Regret
Undo it. Apologize, make amends, or try to repair the damage.
At Least It. Find the silver lining: think about how the situation could have turned out worse and appreciate that it didn’t.
For Any Regret （Action or Inaction）
Self-disclosure. Relive and relieve the regret by telling others about it—admission clears the air—or by writing about it privately.
Self-compassion. Normalize and neutralize the regret by treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend.
Self-distancing. Analyze and strategize about the lessons you’ve learned from the regret by zooming out in time, in space, or through language.
To Use Anticipated Regrets in Your Decision Making:
Satisfice on most decisions. If you are not dealing with one of the four core regrets, make a choice, don’t second-guess yourself, and move on.
Maximize on the most crucial decisions. If you are dealing with one of the four core regrets, project yourself to a specific point in the future and ask yourself which choice will most help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others.
“I regret that I wasn’t braver and that I didn’t do more to uphold our democracy!”
Female, 82, Pennsylvania
//
“I regret not being kinder to people. I was too often concerned with being ‘right’ instead of being kind.”
Male, 41, United Kingdom
//
“Not going to see Prince in concert because it was ‘a school night.’ Tons of ‘school nights’ vs. one Prince. Stupid choice.”
Female, 58, Colorado
Coda
Regret and Redemption
When I first reviewed the data from the American Regret Project, I fixated on a pair of findings that annoyed me.
Recall that the prerequisite for experiencing regret is agency—exercising some measure of control over at least some aspects of our lives. I wondered whether the people in my sample felt this sense of dominion over their choices and actions. That is, did they believe they had free will? Or did they instead believe they weren’t actually in charge—that their lives unfolded as part of a larger plan and beyond their control?
I posed both questions.
I asked our 4,489 respondents: Do you believe that people have free will—that they largely control their decisions and choices?
A huge majority—82 percent of the population—answered “Yes.”
Score one for personal agency.
Elsewhere in the survey, I also asked: Do you believe that most things in life happen for a reason?
A huge majority—78 percent of the population—also answered “Yes.”
Score one for fate.
And let’s declare the game a tie—as well as a conceptual knot.
When I overlaid the responses to both questions, the results were confounding. Just 5 percent of the sample disagreed with both propositions. Those people said they didn’t have free will and that things didn’t happen for a reason. Call this tiny cohort the nihilists.