She pulled out a piece of her letter writing paper – this was her umpteenth attempt. Despite all the books she’d read in her lifetime, finding the words to say I love you, to the person she had spent the happiest years of her life with, seemed to be the hardest thing in the world.
She took a deep breath and began, her tears already blotting the paper.
Mukesh,
I’ve started this letter ten, twenty times and I never know quite what I want to say. Thank you. Thank you for loving me, for being my friend, my soul mate, for all our fifty years. I am so happy we found each other and raised our family. I am proud of the life we built. It has been small but it has been full of love. You have made it so.
I want you to know you will be okay without me. But push yourself, Mukesh, challenge yourself every day. Speak to someone new. Do something different. Teach our children about our lives before them, and look after them, and don’t be afraid to let them look after you. Little Priya is shy – I found reading books with her helped her open up to me. I would love for you to try that too. She wants to be closer to you. And I want that for you both.
Find peace with yourself. I know you are angry, I know you are hurting. But my cancer is nobody’s fault. Sometimes this is just the way life goes. If you are reading this letter, then I am gone, and the next part of your life is about to begin. Enjoy it, it should be just as special as the time we had together.
Be kind, be caring, be yourself, Mukesh. You are the most wonderful person I could ever have known. Don’t be scared to love again if it finds you, and know I would be happy for you if you do, and remember, you can find family in the most unexpected places, and family will always find you.
All my love,
Naina x
P.S. These are the books that brought me closer to myself, that helped shape me and my world – I hope they’ll bring you light and joy and, if you ever miss me, you’ll find me within their pages. I love you.
P.P.S. I think Priya would love the books too – but maybe when she’s a little bit older.
As she started to tuck the list into the envelope, with the letter, she heard Mukesh’s footsteps plodding down the stairs. She hurriedly sat on the envelope and tucked her pen away in the bedside table.
‘Naina,’ Mukesh popped his head round. ‘Would you like some chai?’
‘Ha, that would be lovely,’ Naina replied. Mukesh tiptoed away as Naina hurriedly pulled the envelope out from under her bottom. It was all crumpled and creased. She sighed, and tucked it into the back of A Suitable Boy. If any book could flatten out a letter, it was that one.
‘Packet chai okay with you?’ Mukesh called.
‘Of course. My favourite,’ Naina said.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
ON THE READING LIST
While the reading list in the book belongs to one character, there are so many more books I wanted to include. Books that have changed the way I’ve thought about writing, people, the world. Books that inspired me, moved me, taught me more than any school lesson could. Books that made me want to be a reader and eventually a writer.
This is my reading list.
Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake
Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things
Zadie Smith, White Teeth
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Americanah
Katherine Heiny, Standard Deviation
Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance
Hiromi Kawakami, Strange Weather in Tokyo
Angela Carter, The Magic Toyshop
Maya Angelou, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
Attia Hosain, Sunlight on a Broken Column
Ali Smith, There But For The
These books found me at just the right time in my life. I can remember each of them so vividly, I remember the characters as though they were friends, sometimes even family. I can remember exactly where I was and how I felt when I turned that final page. They’ve stayed with me ever since.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book has been so close to my heart for a long time, but it wouldn’t exist at all were it not for so many amazing people. Thank you to my agent, Hayley Steed, who has been the biggest supporter I could have wished for. Thank you for believing in this book before it was even fully formed, for your editorial insights, expertise and unwavering enthusiasm, and for guiding my anxious brain through the whole process. Huge thanks to the team at Madeleine Milburn Literary Agency, and a special shoutout to the Rights Superstars Liane-Louise, Georgina and Sophie. You have been the perfect literary family – and this book is in the very best hands with you all.
To Charlotte Brabbin, my brilliant editor – this book would not be what it is without you. Thank you so much for your passion, for your creativity, your attention to detail, your vision and belief in this book. Thank you to the whole team at HarperFiction, especially Nancy Adimora, Jen Harlow, Becca Bryant, Lynne Drew, Hannah O’Brien and Katy Blott, Grace Dent, Isabel Coburn, Ammara Isa, Alice Gomer, Sarah Munro and Laura Daley. I am in awe of all your talents and incredibly grateful for all your care with this book! Thank you to Claire Ward and Andrew Davis for the amazing cover, and Aleesha Nandhra for your beautiful artwork.