He sighs in frustration and opens the door a little wider. “Palmer—”
“No.” I shake my head and take another step back. “You’re right. I don’t have my shit together, and why would someone like you, who knows exactly what they want, want anything to do with me?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you, because I do.” He slips through the door and quietly shuts it behind him. “You know I want something special with you, but Jesus Christ, tonight was frustrating. That was not how I expected the evening to go, and the way you were acting . . . it felt vengeful and wrong. You’re better than that, Palmer.”
“Maybe I’m not,” I say, the truth of the sentence hitting me harder than expected. “Maybe this is who I am.” Maybe, I realize with a sick pang, this is the level I need to get comfortable with now. Rock bottom.
“You and I both know that’s not the case. You’re just lost.”
“I am lost.” I wipe at a tear. “I’m lost with no direction. And I know it’s not your responsibility, but I was hoping you were going to help me. You were the only bright thing in my life. I thought you were my port in the storm, but now you’re abandoning me to drown without a life preserver.”
He grips the back of his neck tightly in frustration. “I don’t think I can do anything to help you, Palmer. This is on you. You’re the only one who can find the solution.”
“You don’t think you can do anything, or you don’t want to?”
He lets out a deep breath and closes the space between us, cupping my cheek. “When you came back to Marina Island and looked at me with these jade-green eyes, you know I was sold. You know I wanted nothing more than to have you, like I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. But I don’t think we can take this any further until you’re ready. As much as it pains me, you’re not ready.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do,” he answers. “If you don’t figure out what you want, who you are, then you’re going to get lost in me, and that’s not the kind of relationship I want with you. You’re bright, Palmer. You’re a shining light—you’re just dimmed right now. You need to figure out how to turn up your light again.” Leaning in, he presses a kiss to my forehead before disappearing inside his apartment.
More tears stream down my face as I stand there, staring at his closed door.
How am I supposed to find myself . . . when I loathe myself?
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
COOPER
Cooper: Did you make it home okay?
Nora: What do you think?
Cooper: I’m going to guess yes.
Nora: You guessed right.
Cooper: Can I call you?
Nora: I’d suggest not doing that right now.
Cooper: I want to apologize about tonight.
Nora: I figured as much, but I’m exhausted and I’m not in the mood, Cooper.
Cooper: I understand. But I am sorry.
Nora: I’m sure you are. I’m currently draped across my couch in my lingerie I wore for you, eating some ice cream.
Cooper: Fuck. I hate myself.
Nora: Once again, as you should.
Cooper: Are you going to let me take you out again?
Nora: Honestly, I don’t know. Tonight was an absolute disaster. I’m not sure I’m ready to be a part of that.
Cooper: They’re only here temporarily.
Nora: But they aren’t temporarily in your life. You’ve worked so hard at learning how to communicate your feelings, but they are a big trigger for you, a trigger that makes you revert to your old ways. They’re your brother and sister, and at some point you’re going to have to figure out how to effectively communicate with them.
Cooper: There’s too much history.
Nora: That’s what families are . . . history. They’re not perfect. They’re twisted and ugly at times, but it’s how you navigate through those twisted and ugly times that strengthens the bonds you have with them. Your bonds are threadbare at this point.
Cooper: They don’t understand me.
Nora: Bet they feel the same way. You never know until you talk to them. Call me once you do that.
Cooper: Are you coming to the anniversary party?
Nora: To drop off the cake.
Cooper: Can I talk to you then?
Nora: Probably not a good idea. Have a good night, Cooper.
TO: Ford Chance, Cooper Chance, Palmer Chance FROM: Peggy Chance
SUBJECT: Your rooms
My dearest seedlings,
This is a reminder that you still need to clean out your rooms. Ford, you started to clean it out but then left everything on the floor. Palmer, I can’t even walk through your room—there are clothes everywhere. And Cooper, your boxes are still stacked in the corner of your room. Didn’t you say you were going to sell your bed as well?