‘You’re not mad. This whole thing with Marcus has just got very messy, somehow.’
‘Do you think that he’s trying to break up me and Dylan?’
There’s silence on the other end of the line. I clench my eyes shut so tight I see little red dots when I open them again.
‘Do you think that?’ Deb asks eventually.
‘I do. I really do. Clearly the guy has issues, like he drinks whisky for breakfast and stuff, and it’s so sweet that Dylan is trying to help him, but I kind of feel like he’s . . . evil. I think he’s got it in for me. I think he’s following me.’
‘Following you?’
‘Or maybe that’s just like the bins, me being totally paranoid. I don’t even know any more. But Dylan’s there now, and there goes our trip to Wiltshire again . . .’ My shoulders shake as I sob. I brush the tears off my skirt. At least it’s black, so they won’t show too much when I’m stood in front of the class again.
‘That in itself is pretty suspicious,’ Deb say. ‘How many of those trips to Wiltshire have you missed because of Marcus?’
‘Four,’ I say, without pause. I know that number like it’s engrained on the inside of my brain. I think about it all the time.
‘Well. There’s something solid you can’t deny.’
‘And Marcus never seems to have a meltdown unless I’m spending the evening with Dylan.’ I glance at the time on my phone screen. ‘Oh, God, I need to pull myself together.’
‘Are we sure this is about Marcus, Ads? Not Dylan?’
I blow my nose. ‘What do you mean?’
‘He doesn’t have to go and see Marcus. Does he?’
‘He’s a good friend,’ I say, wiping my eyes. ‘That’s the whole bloody problem.’
‘Right. Maybe.’
‘Maybe?’
‘Or maybe he uses Marcus as an excuse.’
I go still. ‘Do you think so?’
‘I really don’t know. But it is pretty strange, this whole situation, and I find it hard to believe the whole mess is all Marcus’s making. I know you think he’s evil, but that does seem a bit simplistic, doesn’t it?’
I know what she means. I’m putting all the problems of my relationship on Marcus because it’s easier than being disappointed in my boyfriend. I’ve thought that before. But then Marcus writes something barbed on his Instagram and I can’t help thinking it’s about me. Or he has a meltdown just when me and Dylan have got through an argument and things are better. Or Dylan comes home from seeing him and looks at me in that weird, wary way and won’t touch me for a little while. And I’ll think, This is Marcus’s doing.
‘I have to go, Deb,’ I say, checking the time again. ‘Thank you for talking me down.’
‘Come over this evening, if you want to. We can play board games with Dad.’
I close my eyes at the thought of it. The comfort of home.
‘Yeah. I’d love that. Thank you.’
When I walk out of the staff toilets, Etienne’s there. I almost go right into him. My heart does a little hiccup as I look up at him.
‘Are you all right?’ he says.
It’s the worst thing he could choose to say right now.
‘Yes.’ My lip is already quivering. ‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks. Just heading to . . .’
He takes my arm. ‘Addie,’ he says.
His voice is deep and sympathetic, and it tips me over the edge. My shoulders start shaking again.
‘Let’s step into my office,’ he says. ‘I’ll ask Jamie to see to your lot – 10B, is it, this afternoon?’
I nod, snuffling into my sleeve as he ushers me through into his office and closes the door gently behind me. I stand there in the middle of the rug and sob until he returns.
‘All sorted. Please, sit down,’ he says. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’
‘God, I’m so sorry,’ I say, reaching for a tissue from the box on his desk and wiping my face frantically. I’m red with shame.
‘Boyfriend?’
I nod, sitting down in the chair he’s indicated.
Etienne shakes his head. ‘Well. It’s not my place to interfere. But nobody’s boyfriend should make them cry in the toilets. It’s what I’d say to a student. I’m sure it’s what you’d say to a student, too.’ He meets my eyes then. ‘You deserve better, Addie.’
That makes me cry again. He moves around from behind the desk, rubbing my shoulder, ducking down to his haunches so he’s at my level. My body reacts to his touch, something flaring shamefully in my belly.