Questioned about physical affection, Frida admits that her parents rarely hugged her or said “I love you” in so many words, but they’ve become more affectionate as they’ve grown older. Chinese families are more reserved. She doesn’t hold it against them. She hasn’t repeated that pattern with Harriet, might hug and kiss Harriet too much.
“Your parents sound withholding.”
“I don’t think that’s fair. Most of the day-to-day childcare was done by my maternal grandmother. My popo. She died twelve years ago. I still think about her all the time. I wish she could have met Harriet. We shared a room for most of my childhood. Popo was extremely affectionate. You have to understand, my parents had demanding careers. They were under serious pressure. Just because they were professors doesn’t mean everything was easy. They weren’t just taking care of us. They were responsible for their parents. And their siblings. They helped everyone get established. Some relatives had debt. My father had ulcers from all the stress. They didn’t have time to hover over me. You can’t judge them by American standards.”
“Ms. Liu, I sense you getting defensive.”
“My parents gave me a good life. They did everything for me. I’m the one who messed up. I don’t want anyone blaming them.”
The psychologist lets the subject drop. They discuss her response to Harriet’s crying, whether she has fun taking care of Harriet, whether she initiates playtime, her use of praise. She answers as she imagines the playground mothers would, describing a life governed by patience and joy, her voice becoming high and girlish. If any of those mothers were in her position, she knows they’d blind themselves or drink bleach.
“You mentioned your husband leaving.”
Frida stiffens. She tells him that she and Gust were together for eight years, married for three, introduced by mutual friends at a dinner party in Crown Heights.
“Gust said he knew right away. It took me a little longer.”
The marriage was fulfilling. Happy. Gust was her best friend. He made her feel safe. She refrains from saying that they used to have more in common, that Gust used to have a sense of humor, that wanting to have his baby is what convinced her to have a baby at all, that he used to be a reasonable person who trusted science and medicine, that later, they fought over a birth plan. Her refusal to consider a homebirth or doula. Her blasé attitude about epidurals.
She explains the timeline of her pregnancy and Harriet’s birth, her discovery of Susanna, the short-lived attempt at reconciliation.
“Harriet was two months old when I found out about the affair. We didn’t get a chance to be a family. I think if Gust had given us a chance—” She looks out the window. “I was waking up three times a night to breastfeed. I’m sorry, is that too intimate?”
“Go on, Ms. Liu.”
“We were in survival mode. The stress affected my milk supply. I was recovering from a C-section. We planned for this baby. Having a family is one of the main reasons we moved here.”
The psychologist hands her a tissue.
“I would have taken him back. I wanted us to try counseling, but he wouldn’t stop seeing her. It was Gust’s decision to get divorced. He didn’t fight for us. Gust is a good father—I knew he’d be a good father—but he acts like the whole thing was beyond his control, like he and Susanna were fated to be together.”
“Tell me about your relationship with the paramour.”
“That’s the term? Paramour? Well, I’d say the paramour has some issues with boundaries. She doesn’t respect me. I’ve tried to establish boundaries, but nothing changes. My daughter is not a project, and Susanna is not her mother. Susanna is always coming in and imposing. Like with her nutritionist work. It’s not like she’s even healthy. She was a dancer. You know how they are.”
Is Frida dating? Has she introduced Harriet to any boyfriends?
“I’m not ready to date. And I wouldn’t introduce any man to my daughter unless the relationship was very serious. As far as I’m concerned, Gust introduced Susanna to Harriet way too soon.”
Prompted to say more, she grows agitated. “He moved in with her as soon as he left us, and suddenly I’m expected to bring my newborn to that girl’s apartment and interact with her constantly. Seeing her with my baby…”
Frida pinches the skin between her brows. “I didn’t want Harriet to be in the same room as Susanna. And then she had to go live there for half the week. Gust said he’d hire a nanny. I offered to find a nanny for him. He wasn’t supposed to fob off the childcare on his girlfriend. I never agreed to that. I really don’t care if she has a flexible schedule. I don’t care if she wants to do the childcare. My daughter now spends more time with that girl than either of her real parents, and that’s just not right.”