‘No, no, it isn’t anything like that. It’s just that… well, I was feeling bad for Jamie and Mum asked if we minded them having our bedroom, as it’s their honeymoon.’
I just looked at him; he knew as much as I did how important it was for us to be together on this holiday. However persuasive Joy had been, surely after everything, he wasn’t going to just give up our room, our chance to get our marriage back on track? It made me wonder if he’d meant what he said about wanting to stay in the marriage.
Our relationship hadn’t always been smooth, of course, but, really, it was discovering he’d cheated on me with a woman half his age less than three months before that had really made things fall apart between us.
CHAPTER NINE
‘I’m sorry, but what else could I say?’ Dan sighed, when I didn’t speak. ‘It’s only a bedroom, and it’s only for another nine days.’
My dismay and disappointment turned to anger and resentment. ‘It’s not only a bedroom. It is so much more, after everything that’s happened.’
‘I know, I know. But you know what Mum’s like, she wants something and she just keeps on until she gets it. She feels bad because they didn’t have the big wedding like we did.’
‘That was their choice.’
‘Ssshhh, they’ll hear you,’ he said, turning to look back at the villa. Through the window, I could see them all sitting at the table, could hear the faint laughter, the chink of glasses, and here we were outside in the unbearable heat, both pulling in opposite directions.
‘What’s this really about, Dan?’ I asked. ‘Is it about appeasing your mother, or your brother? Or is it just that our marriage isn’t important to you? Do you want to sleep alone so you can think about her?’
‘Stop it, Clare. I’ve told you it was a mistake,’ he said, irritated.
‘A mistake that went on for months.’
‘I gave her up, didn’t I?’ He said this like he’d done me a bloody favour.
‘You gave her up because you didn’t want the inconvenience of leaving me. And upsetting your mother and the kids.’
‘Please, Clare, not again. This isn’t about us, about what happened. It’s about me and you doing something nice for my brother and his new wife. Mum put me under pressure, yes – but at the same time I agree with what she said. Jamie and Ella, they’re newlyweds and they should have a double room. It’s their honeymoon!’
I didn’t respond. I was in that no man’s land of wanting to push him away, and hold him tight. He’d hurt me so much, I couldn’t tell the difference between love and pain any more.
‘Look, it could be just as romantic as the double if you and I shared the small bed?’ he tried, with a smile. Dan said a lot of nice things, he had the same charm as his brother, he just used it more sparingly, probably saving it for the twenty-somethings. I wasn’t buying it this time. I’d known Dan for too long to be swept away by his flirting and flattering. I just wanted a husband who was honest, who I could trust.
‘They don’t need our big bed, the way they were pawing at each other over supper, that was evident,’ I snapped. ‘Jesus, she was practically mounting him at the table!’
‘Oh, don’t be so dramatic. I know you said you didn’t want to give up our room, but you’re always the kind one, Clare. I’m sorry, I just assumed you’d say yes. But if you really don’t want to, then we won’t.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Okay, that’s fine, I’ll explain that to them.’
‘Them?’
‘Mum… and Ella. She was there when Mum suggested we swap.’
‘Great, how tactful of your mother to ask in her presence,’ I said. I understood why Joy had suggested this, she genuinely felt she owed them a wedding, a honeymoon of sorts, but I wished she hadn’t put us on the spot. She didn’t seem to be aware of the friction between Ella and I, but I wonder now if she was perhaps being a little mischievous? Did she guess I’d be wholly against a room change and wanted Ella to be aware of this too?
’You and I can still spend time together,’ Dan was saying, his forehead shimmering with sweat and exasperation.
‘I know, but can’t you see that by agreeing to it you’re suggesting their marriage is more important than ours? And if I then don’t agree to it, I look like a terrible, selfish person?’
‘You won’t look terrible,’ he sighed. ‘I just thought it was kind of Mum to suggest it. And who cares who was there when it was discussed?’ He said it in that classic way men see something hugely significant as irrelevant. It was too late for me to even begin to describe the female complexities, the betrayal of the girl code around this. ‘Clare, what do you want me to do? Mum’s asking me if I’ll give up my room to a worthy cause, you’re telling me not to. As always I’m trying to please everyone and end up pleasing no one.’