‘Oh… yes… yes, I’m sure she is.’
More silence as we continued to watch Bob and the kids.
‘She thinks you don’t like her.’
What could I say to that? ‘Oh. Really?’
I took my eye off Freddie for a moment and looked at Jamie.
‘Look, she’s a gorgeous girl, and I can see she might be a bit… intimidating? You just have to get to know her,’ he said. ‘She’s very down-to-earth.’
‘I’m sure she is,’ I said, bristling. Did he really think my dislike of her was down to her looks? I wanted to scream; did no one else see what I saw? ‘I just don’t know her yet,’ I said, holding back everything I wanted to say. ‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think about her. I don’t have to like her, Jamie. You’re the one who’s married to her.’
‘She’s right then, you don’t like her?’ He looked disappointed.
I didn’t say anything for a while, then looked over at Joy, now sleeping – the coast was clear, so I said quietly, ‘No, I don’t like her, but not for the reasons you might think.’
Where once we’d been so easy, so comfortable with each other, we were now awkward and inarticulate.
‘Jamie – I tried to like her. I would have been her friend, but it’s like she doesn’t want that. I think she’s keeping me at arm’s length, scaring me away because she doesn’t want me to know who she is. Who is she, Jamie?’
He pulled his head back in a doubting way as if to ask What the hell are you saying?
‘Because I don’t think you know her either – I don’t think she’s who you think she is… she says she’s got properties in other parts of the world, her dad’s Italian one minute and a New Yorker the next—’
‘I can’t believe you’re saying this.’
‘I’m sorry, but how long have you known her?’
He just shook his head. ‘Long enough to know how I feel. She’s my wife, Clare.’
‘I understand, Jamie. I know you’re probably ready for something more, someone to settle down with. But, Jamie, is she that woman? Is she warm and loving? Ella chooses her books for the colour of the covers that she can photograph – she doesn’t even read them. Doesn’t that say it all?’ He didn’t look at me, but the hurt on his face told me again how much he thought he loved her. ‘Look, I’m just worried you’ve rushed into this.’
He bristled slightly. ‘Now you’re just being unfair—’
‘No, I’m not. Do you know if you can trust her? Like really trust her?’ I asked. And, taking a big gulp of air, knowing this could break his heart, I told him how I’d seen her inside his mother’s room, going through her jewellery. ‘Jamie, she stole your mum’s earrings… after everyone had been so kind and welcomed her. Especially Joy – she stole from her.’
He looked shocked, confused. ‘No. No.’ He was shaking his head. ‘She wouldn’t,’ he said, adamantly. He was rejecting this out of hand. How could he do otherwise? To hear what I was saying was admitting he didn’t know his wife.
Before we could continue, Violet called, ‘Uncle Jamie, come in and play.’
Unable to face what I was telling him, I think he saw his get-out and slid into the water, swallowed up in the bright blue delight.
‘Let’s see how fast you can go on that thing,’ he said, instinctively lifting Freddie out of the water onto his shoulders, pushing along the blow-up toy with the other two on, while Bob stood by, relieved to be off duty.
Jamie wasn’t stupid, what I’d told him about Joy’s earrings would have made him question things surely. But Jamie wasn’t good at dealing with the truth, especially if it wasn’t pretty. If he was in trouble or he didn’t like what he saw, he ran away. Or, just like his mother who, if she didn’t like something, would pretend it never happened, he’d have it removed – as she had Marilyn.
I watched the children play, taking it in turns to be thrown in the air by Uncle Jamie, screaming with sheer delight as he whizzed Violet round in the water, and more carefully twirled the boys, who couldn’t yet swim unaided. But when I joined them all in the pool, he soon retreated to his sunlounger. And I wondered if in telling him, I’d done the right thing. Had I made him question Ella, or simply made him hate me?
I held on to Freddie as he manoeuvred his toy yacht around the blow-up flamingo, commandeered by Violet and Alfie. I had one eye on the flamingo, the other on Freddie. It wasn’t exactly relaxing, but it was fun playing with the kids; they could take my mind off the bad stuff and make me laugh even when I was down. Kids have this amazing talent for removing stress and worry, just being with them puts everything into perspective and wipes away whatever is eating us. My kids are awesome, they make me smile, make me proud, they amaze me, and I’m constantly surprised at how this love I have for them isn’t just endless, it grows. My concerns about what I’d said to Jamie just disappeared as Alfie turned into ‘a water frog’ and Freddie repeated everything he said in his lisping baby voice, and Violet and I laughed affectionately at them. And as the sun shone down on the four of us, it was everything. I knew then that whatever happened with me and Dan, I’d never really be alone, because children take up a space in your heart they never leave, even when they aren’t with you.