He sat back on the sunlounger and closed his eyes. Just as I was about to walk away, he said, ‘You’re capable, Clare – you don’t know how it feels to be Ella. She doesn’t have your confidence, your strength. That comes with time, so cut her some slack.’
‘Wow, you’ve really got to know her, haven’t you? So you can be sensitive to someone’s feelings! You’ve never been like that with me.’
‘No, because you don’t need anything or anyone – sometimes I don’t even think you need me.’
I was shocked. ‘Is that what you think?’
‘Sometimes.’ He put his hand on his forehead to shield his eyes, now open. ‘Mum’s the same, she doesn’t need Dad – you both get on with things, you have work and friends and a life and you never ask for help. But Ella… Ella needs Jamie, and Jamie likes to be needed. He’s never had anyone rely on him before, he enjoys it.’
I’d never seen the dynamic in quite that way before. Dan was right, I was capable, and I’d always seen this as a positive. I was never going to be a clingy, needy person, but perhaps sometimes my strength and desire for independence pushed people away. Even my husband. Had this contributed to Dan’s affair? Had Marilyn needed him like Ella needed Jamie? Had Carmel made him feel more like a man because she was so needy? I suddenly had all these questions to ask, but the children were now in full chorus, and demanding we both join them for hide-and-seek.
‘You’re right, I don’t need anyone,’ I said, walking towards the garden. ‘But I can’t do this alone – why don’t you come and play hide-and-seek with us?’
He smiled at me, a genuine, warm smile, and when he stood up, he walked over and put his arm around me in a loving, almost protective way. ‘You and the kids are everything,’ he murmured. ‘Whatever’s happened, and whatever will happen, nothing’s gonna change that.’
I put my arm around his waist, hoping he was right. ‘It may seem like I don’t need anyone,’ I said, ‘but I did need to hear that.’
He then announced to the kids that he was going to throw me in the pool, and before I had chance to escape, he lifted me in the air and threw me in. The kids were delighted and came running, all thoughts of hide-and-seek now eclipsed because Mum and Dad were playing in the pool – what fun. I landed with a huge splash to squeals of delight. Laughing, I lifted my head above water, and suddenly I saw her, standing in the bedroom window, just watching. She was staring down at us, unsmiling, her expression something between envy and hate. I looked away for a moment to check the kids standing on the edge, and Dan now splashing me, and by the time I looked back up at the window, she’d gone.
The children joined us in the water and for a while it was just the five of us. There was so much laughter – it was one of those golden times I’ll always remember, even when the kids are grown and gone. The pool was the bluest blue, the sun high in the sky; we were all together in this lovely place on a family holiday – and I felt very lucky. But there was a shadow across the sun, and I knew that in the middle of all this lovely yellow light, something dark was waiting for us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Later, Joy and Bob went to Positano for a few hours and we were left behind – the four of us and the children. I’d asked Ella if we could have a quick chat; she’d said there was no need, but I owed her an apology. It stuck in my craw to say it, but I was doing it to keep the peace, so we could all enjoy the remainder of our holiday without an atmosphere.
She was alone, on her phone. I didn’t want an audience, I just wanted to get it over with, so I went over to where she was. ‘I’m sorry I caused such a scene last night,’ I said, kneeling down next to her sunlounger. ‘And I’m sorry if I upset you,’ I added, careful not to say I was sorry for my accusation of theft. I wasn’t.
She stayed gazing into her phone and barely took her eyes from the screen, just nodded slowly and said, ‘It’s okay, Clare. I guess, at your age, hormones play a big part… you were confused. But I’m afraid now I’m going to have to tell Dan what I know.’ Her voice was icy.
‘What do you know?’ I asked, trying to breathe, the panic rising in my throat, threatening to engulf me.
She glanced lazily over at me, like she couldn’t be bothered to even look in my direction. ‘Everything,’ she said, and then went back to her phone.
‘Okay,’ I sighed. The threat was real. I couldn’t risk it. I wasn’t going to fight back. I’d caused enough trouble. I just had to hope that if I stayed away, kept under her radar, she might spare me, at least for the holiday. I’d taken a risk in accusing her of the theft, but I’d been so sure I was right I thought she’d leave in shame, or Joy and Bob would ask her to go. I didn’t think anything she said would be believed, but it was me that no one believed – and now I’d made things worse for myself. She was hurt and, after almost ruining everything for her, I had to be ready for her to take her revenge.