I felt tearful. I wanted to run across the grass and scream at her to stop, but it was all my own stupid fault. I wasn’t ready to give up on our marriage, our family. Neither of us really wanted anyone else, did we? Were Marilyn and Jamie just our final tests before Dan and I settled into a good, faithful, lifelong marriage?
And as for the Jamie situation – I’d forgiven Dan for sleeping with other women, so he should be able to forgive me.
I looked down at Freddie, sleeping on my knee – a reminder that my betrayal was different, and in the great scheme of things, probably far worse.
I watched them talk; it was quite animated and I couldn’t imagine what was being said. I was just aching for the conversation to be over, for Ella to send Dan back to me after she’d told him everything. I’d already started to think about how we’d get through this as a family. If Dan couldn’t forgive me, he’d have to move out. Jamie might still try to get visiting rights, or even fight for adoption, but I couldn’t worry about that yet. For now, my priority was the kids.
I continued to try to pin down the sun’s bedtime routine with Alfie, answer Violet’s probing questions about why Auntie Ella was talking to Dad and stroke Freddie’s head while he slept, because, in the middle of it all, when life is crashing down around us, it’s what we do, us mothers. Walls can be falling down, bombs dropping around us, and throughout the chaos all we care about is that we keep our children safe and happy.
Dan now had his head in his hands and Ella had her hand on his back. She glanced over, victorious, and I was about to ask Violet to keep an eye on the boys so I could go over and take control of my own destiny, instead of leaving it to Ella, when Joy appeared.
‘Have you seen Bob?’ she asked. ‘I don’t know where he is.’
‘No… He might be asleep by the pool, he often lies under that tree, just to the side.’
‘He hides there,’ Violet laughed. ‘He told me it’s his quiet place.’
Joy rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll check there, thanks, girls.’ She set off across the lawn, and stopped dead when she saw the tableau of Dan and Ella. She turned and looked at me questioningly, and in answer I just shrugged, but she kept the same concerned look on her face. Had she heard what they were saying? Was it all too late? I felt awful, she’d be genuinely hurt when she found out about Jamie and me, and I think it would kill Bob, who was such a family man.
I remember asking him once, in a light-hearted way, why he put up with Joy. I’ll never forget, he just looked at me and said, ‘Because without her I’d be nothing. She’s everything to me, Clare, made me what I am, gave me my family.’ I’d been rather touched, and hoped that one day Dan might say something like that about me. Right now, I doubted it. He wasn’t the devoted type like Bob. And sitting a few hundred yards away from my marriage being destroyed by Hurricane Ella, I knew I never would be ‘everything’ to my husband.
Whatever happened now was my fault, and I would take full responsibility. If Dan chose to stay or leave, it was up to him. I just had to be strong for the kids while everything fell around me.
I now had to face the consequences of that drunken night three years before…
If the butterfly hadn’t flapped its wings, the hurricane wouldn’t have happened.
Eventually, Dan stood up. He headed back over the lawn and, in spite of the children being there, I asked quietly if he was okay.
He looked shell-shocked. ‘Yes. But we’ve got a problem.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
‘So Ella told you?’ I said.
Dan just nodded, looking past me, like he couldn’t even see me any more.
I remained on the grass for a few seconds, the kids chattering, Freddie still sleeping.
‘We can work through it, Dan. I know it might not seem like that now, but—’
‘So you know what she’s saying?’
‘Yes…’
‘She told you?’
I nodded, but he couldn’t look at me, and I didn’t blame him.
‘She seems hell-bent on destroying me, Dan… but we have to think about the family and forgive. We can move on from this.’
‘Do you think so?’ He looked hopeful.
He put his head in his hands and I sat there a while, thanking God that Freddie was asleep and Alfie and Violet were distracted by a game of ball. Dan eventually emerged, running his hands through his hair, looking distraught.
‘None of it’s true, Clare. I never tried to touch her.’