“Like fun I’m being shuffled out there,” said Cormack.
“Cormack, you can’t. The cameras will pick up everything the whole way. You stand out too much. You’re taller than everyone. And that bushy beard . . . We have to hurry.”
I grasped Evie’s face in my hands. “If I don’t come back, promise me you’ll get off this island. Get back to Willow and Lilly.”
“You promise me you’ll come back.” She kissed me, and her lips were cold.
76. I, Inside The Walls
CORMACK, RICHARD AND YOLANDA VOLUNTEERED TO lead the others to the chapel. Richard and Yolanda were the only ones who knew how to shoot. I found myself disturbed by the thought of what could happen to Cormack should he have to take on a Saviour by himself.
I took the three of them out there to show them the right path and make sure they understood they had to hide in the chapel until the mines exploded; otherwise they’d ruin the whole plan. And I told them where to hide along the tunnel in order to ambush any stray Saviours.
Back in the cellar, Sethi was busy hacking off Brother Lewis’s hand. Any second now, Gray, Sethi and I would have to go.
Santiago, stay with me.
But I watched Santiago drift away, almost swallowed up by the black tunnel, confused by what was happening. The terror of losing Santiago shot through me.
It was hard for me helping these people. Not because I didn’t want to. But because I’d acted alone for so many years. Even before I met Daddy James, it was how I’d been. Locked inside myself, with a brother who only had life inside my mind. Daddy James had my brain imaged before I even came here. I have the brain of a sociopath. Having a brain scan is essential before you’re allowed to be a Saviour. My brain scan results weren’t as severe as most of the others, but still, I was a sociopath.
Some people think you can change and get better. And some people think that a sociopath always murders. Neither is true. I can’t change my brain, and neither do I wish to. I like my brain how it is. Maybe that’s because of the egotistical side of sociopathy. But I don’t want to kill anyone. Except for Saviours.
Catching my hand in his, Cormack pulled me out of the light that streamed from the plate glass in the cellar door.
“What—？” At first, I thought a Saviour must be coming, my hand reaching instinctively for the knife in my pocket.
I could hear hesitation making his voice hitch when he said, “I don’t like you heading into a whole nest of Saviours. It’s too dangerous.”
“Yes, it’s dangerous.” I relaxed. No impending Saviours in the tunnels. But I didn’t understand why he sounded so scared. If you play with danger, then danger comes with the territory. And Cormack didn’t know that Daddy James had experts here teach me how to kill with a knife and gun and with my bare hands. I was a child when I first came to the monastery. I needed to learn how to protect myself.
“Kara, I didn’t understand before how you could be one of them. Now I know that you’re not.”
The way he said my name in his Scottish accent made it sound beautiful. I’d never thought of my name as beautiful. “You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know that you didn’t want to do what they’ve been making you do.”
“You don’t understand. They could only make me do any of this because of who I am. Any normal person would have gone some kind of crazy at the things that happen here.”
“Have you considered that you might not even know who you are? Brother Sage has forced all this on you, the bastard. I want to kill him for what he’s done to you.”
“If everything goes to plan, you’ll get your wish. At least, he’ll die.”
“No matter what happens next, I’ve got your back. Just wanted you to know that.”
“You’re kind of noisy for someone in a place filled with serial killers.” Despite everything, I had a smile in my voice. He was so . . . earnest. No one around me was earnest. Everyone was a liar. That went with the territory of being sociopathic. Even Mom had been lying about her past for the last decade.
“In case all of this goes to shite and we don’t make it off this island,” he said, “just know that a guy named Cormack liked a girl named Kara. Very much.”
He moved closer, his breath on my cheek. And kissed me.
Why was I so breathless when he broke away?
I’d never let a boy get this close.
Never.
Cormack had no idea what he was doing. He’d seen a face and projected all kinds of things onto the person behind that face. Just like the boys at school. Cormack was the first boy to see behind the face, but he still didn’t understand. He couldn’t. He was a neurotypical. A normal brain with normal thoughts.