I was a bit worried that we might not be able to afford the extra lessons （although the private school would be even more expensive） but today I overheard a conversation between Maman and Papa that made me have some very mixed feelings:-
Maman said, ‘Guillaume, how on earth are we going to continue to afford the rent on this place? We never expected to be here this long and there’s still no end in sight.’
Papa said, ‘My darling, don’t you worry about it. I’m already planning ahead. I’ve written to Armand and told him we’re happy to proceed with the sale of the Paris house.’ （Armand is Monsieur Albert, who took over from Papa at the bank.） Papa went on, ‘He’ll be delighted – you know how much his wife loved it – and he’s offering a reasonable price given how uncertain things are in France right now. Really, it’s too good an opportunity to turn down. He’ll be able to transfer the funds quite swiftly, so we’ll be fine.’
I felt very sad to think of some other family living in our old home with all our things – and especially my books, which I knew I’d never get back now – but at the same time it was a relief to know we could stay in the nouvelle ville and not have to move to the mellah, where we might get trachoma like Felix’s mother.
I think Maman felt the same way too, because she said, ‘Oh, Guillaume, our wedding china and all the paintings and books . . .’ and it sounded to me as if she was crying.
But then Papa reassured her and I think he must have put his arms around her because her sobs became muffled. He said, ‘Delphine, I promise you we will replace it all when we get to America. This is only temporary. We just have to hold on a bit longer. Our life here really isn’t so bad, is it? I promise you we’ll be all right.’
She gave a big sniff and it sounded like she was blowing her nose. Then she said, ‘I’m scared, Guillaume. I know you’ve become involved with . . . things. I know you’re helping Stafford. But it’s dangerous. What if they arrest you again? Do you understand what you’re risking?’
Papa’s voice grew very low and very serious then and he said, ‘Delphine, you and I have spoken about how horrifying this war is. I can’t just sit here and let it happen around us. If we don’t take a stand then who will? But I promise you, ma chérie, I’m being careful. I wouldn’t do anything that would put you and the girls at risk.’
I was quite surprised that Papa was making all those promises, especially the one about not putting us at risk because he already had done that when he got arrested and when we went on the trip to the mountains （except Annette and I still haven’t said anything to anybody about Monsieur Guigner coming to the bedroom and grabbing Annette）。 But I understood that Papa just wanted to make Maman feel better and that sometimes that sort of kindness is more important than telling the absolute truth.
Despite him trying to reassure her, I heard Maman begin to cry again and this time she was sobbing quite loudly, which pretty much broke my heart. Then I heard her say, ‘I’m so sorry, Guillaume. This is all my fault. It’s because of me that it’s come to this. You and the girls would be better off without me.’ I nearly ran down the stairs to throw my arms around her then and tell her that wasn’t true at all, but Papa said it instead before I could do so:
‘Don’t ever say that, Delphine,’ he said, very loudly, and it sounded like he was nearly crying too. ‘Don’t ever apologise for who you are. You know we love you and we’d be nothing without you.’
Then he said, a bit more calmly, ‘Stafford has a plan. I can’t say any more, but it is part of something much bigger. I can play a part in it and in return we will get our visas for America when the time is right. Can you trust me, Delphine, just for a bit longer? I’m only trying to do what I think is best for all of us.’
After that there was silence for a while. They were probably hugging and kissing, I imagine. So I crept back upstairs to my room to write all of this down in my journal.
It’s awful that Maman feels that way – I’m guessing it’s because of her being Jewish. But at the same time it’s very interesting to know that Maman has guessed what Papa is up to. And also to have confirmation that my deductions so far have been correct. Lord Peter Wimsey would be proud of me.
Zoe – 2010
Somewhat reluctantly, I think, Monsieur Habib has finally arranged to take me to the centre for refugees where his wife works. He shuts his shop at midday every Friday to go to the mosque for prayers and doesn’t reopen afterwards, so we agree that he and his wife will come and pick me up from home in the afternoon. I decide I won’t bring Grace with me on this occasion, until I’ve seen what the centre is like.