I’m finding solace in the solitude of my weekdays, when Julian is at work and Valentina in school. After they leave in the morning, I sit in the sun-drenched conservatory, where I do a half hour of meditation. Today I feel the need to spend more time, as I try to recall more details of those glorious days in Santa Monica when I remember being so happy and in love. Nothing more comes to mind, though. The last month has shown me that trying to force a memory is an exercise in futility, so I decide to take a walk.
My phone rings. I look at the screen—Gabriel. I’ve been avoiding his calls for the past few days, texting him that I need some space. But it’s time for me to have the conversation I’ve been dreading.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Addy! I’ve been so worried about you. Why haven’t you called me back?”
I sigh. Despite my rediscovered feelings for Julian, I still love Gabriel. Just the sound of his voice brings all my feelings back. “This is so hard. But we can’t keep talking. I have to focus on my family. This is my life now.”
“Please don’t cut me off. You still don’t know what made you leave. What if you were really unhappy? Or if Julian’s not who he seems. I just need—”
“Stop. I’m remembering things.” I don’t want to hurt him, but he needs to hear the truth. “I was happy. I think I was very much in love with him, and I want to find my way back to him.”
There is a long silence. Finally he answers, his voice cracking. “Your memory’s come back?”
“Not completely, just bits and pieces, but enough for me to know this is where I belong. If things were different . . . you have to move on. Please, don’t call me anymore. You have to forget about me.” I grip the phone tightly as grief envelops me. I feel as though I’m being ripped in two. Even though I still love Gabriel, I know that in time, when I’m able to fully remember my life with Julian, my feelings for him will recede. Now, it hurts so much to say goodbye. But I know it’s the right thing to do.
“Addy, I can’t promise you that. I’ll leave you alone, but I’ll never forget about you. And I’m only a phone call away.”
The tears come now, and I can hardly speak. “Goodbye, Gabriel,” I choke out, and end the call.
With a shaking hand, I swipe to Gabriel’s contact information and block him. I grab my camera, throw on a parka, and go outside for that walk. Inhaling the fresh air and being surrounded by nature has a calming effect. I push thoughts of Gabriel from my mind and try to be in the moment. The ground is covered in snow now, the world quiet and peaceful. Two male cardinals are at the bird feeder. One of them drops to the ground, his bright red feathers brilliant against this early November snowfall. I raise the camera to my eyes, adjusting the lens as I focus on the bird. Once I begin, I can’t stop snapping, from the colorful birds to the winter wonderland of pines, so majestic with their snow-covered branches. I’ve already taken hundreds of photographs since I’ve arrived. Lots of Valentina, of course, but for some reason I’m drawn to wildlife now. It’s very different from photographing landscapes. The other day I was delighted to see a family of deer at the fringe of the woods, bordering the back of our property. The sight filled me with joy, the idea that even in nature, we’re meant to be in a family unit.
When I return to the house, I’m feeling better. I take the antidepressant prescribed to me. It’s supposed to make me think more clearly and open the pathways to remembering. Perhaps that’s why I was able to regain some memories of our honeymoon. I’m supposed to take an antianxiety pill in the morning, but it makes me feel even more lethargic and confused then the afternoon pill sometimes does, so I’ve been skipping it. I haven’t told Julian that I’m only taking one of the prescriptions, but I intend to, and I know he’ll back me up. After all, I’m not feeling anxious, so that should prove that I don’t need that extra pill.
I expect Valentina home from school at any moment. Della, another mom who lives a mile away, has been alternating carpool weeks with Julian, but he says soon I’ll be able to take over from him. He wants me to give it a little more time, and I’m fine with that. I grab my coat again and go to the front porch to wait for my daughter. When I see the car pull in, I hurry down the front steps to open the car door for her.
“Thank you.” I lean over, smiling at Della, and take Valentina’s hand to lead her inside. Her cheeks are rosy, and she shrugs off her coat and removes her gloves the moment we’re through the door. A few seconds after I’ve closed the door, Julian enters.