“I know,” I say resolutely. “I have to. Not just for me, but for that little girl who still believes I’m her mother.”
??65??
Amelia
Dr. Pearlson is big on forgiveness. At first I thought she was crazy. I had no desire to forgive my father or Julian for the atrocities they’d wrought. But I’m beginning to realize she’s right—holding on to all my rage and anger only hurts me, keeps me in chains. I won’t lie and say I’m there yet, but I am working on it, open to the possibility that one day I can come to terms with all they’ve both taken from me.
Julian is paying for what he did. They found Cassandra’s body buried in the backyard, and he confessed to killing her, although he claimed it was an accident. He’s been charged with her murder and unlawful burial of a body. He’s awaiting trial and has already been stripped of his medical license.
Valentina is the only reason I agreed to visit Julian in prison after his arrest. I was nervous, my stomach in knots, as I waited in that dreary visitors’ room next to Ed, who’d insisted on being by my side. When Julian entered, I was shocked at his appearance. His face had become a pallid gray, his eyes dull, his posture hunched. Adrenaline shot through my body nonetheless as I remembered his attempt to kill me before. Ed seemed to sense my discomfort and squeezed my hand under the table.
“Thank you for coming, Amelia,” he said.
“Speak your piece,” Ed said. “We don’t want to be here any longer than necessary.”
Julian didn’t look at him but took a seat across from me, his eyes downcast. “I know you hate me, and I don’t blame you. I never meant to hurt you. I thought we could be happy. I was only doing what I thought was best.”
I put a hand up. Even now he was justifying his actions. “I won’t get into this with you. I’m only here to talk about Valentina.”
“I’m willing to give you custody,” he said, and my heart soared. “But I need to know if you can love her like she’s your own.”
I didn’t hesitate to answer. “I do love her. Absolutely. I’m her mother.” The truth was that even though therapy was helping me to recover my past as Amelia, I still had memories of being Valentina’s mother during the two years I lived with her before I ran away, and then in the months after I came back. Even before then, there were early false memories Julian had programmed into me. I couldn’t separate the true ones from the false, but regardless, I loved her, and I knew I always would. Even though she hadn’t been born to me, she belonged with me. Together we would heal and become strong, despite the tragedies we’d both endured.
“She loves you and she needs you,” Julian said. “I don’t want her in the system. It may take a while for the courts to allow you to adopt her, especially given your suicide attempt after your family was murdered.”
“Not to mention your crazy-making,” I couldn’t help adding.
“Yes.” He looked down at his hands, clasped on the table in front of him. When he looked back up at me, his face was serious. “My lawyer advised me to plead insanity, but I’ve refused. You see, I must be considered legally competent in order to petition the courts to grant you legal guardianship of Valentina.” He frowned. “Besides, I’m not crazy. I was only doing what I had to do to protect my daughter.”
Of course, he was a man filled with madness, but the one pure thing about him was his love for his daughter. I took a deep breath. “My therapist will testify that I’m stable. I’ll work with the courts for as long as I have to until she’s legally mine.”
“I’ve instructed my attorney to transfer most of my assets to you.”
“No—” I began. I didn’t want his money, like some kind of payoff to alleviate his guilt for all he’d done.
“I want you to have it for Valentina’s education and care. I’m never getting out of here—what do I need it for?”
We left then, Ed’s arm around me as we walked from the building, and this fine man held me close to his side as I wept. For the first time in my life, I felt that someone might be watching over me, as if the universe was in some small way making up for the kind of father I never had and the daughter Ed lost.
Epilogue
One Year Later
Julian was convicted of murder in the second degree and is now serving a twenty-five-year sentence. I’ve put all of his money in a trust and use it only for Valentina’s benefit. I sold the house and rented a small Cape Cod in a neighborhood in Lexington where there are lots of other children for her to play with. I’m technically her foster mother, as we work with the family courts to prove I’m a fit mother. I love her even more fiercely than I did before, and I can’t wait for the day when I can legally call her my own.