So I took a deep breath and came clean. “No, not by myself.”
Again Gabriel was quiet. His voice was lower when he spoke. “With the guy Josh saw you with?”
I blinked a few times. Of course Josh had called Gabriel to tell him he’d run into me with another man. If I’d seen Maggie’s ex with someone, I would have gone straight to her with the information. But I guess I was surprised by how Gabriel was handling the news.
“Yes, his name is Max.”
“Was it just a date or…more?”
“We’ve been seeing each other.”
There was another long pause. “How long?”
“I guess we met about a month ago, maybe a little more.”
“You like him?”
“I do.”
A rush of air blew into the phone. I pictured Gabriel dragging his hand through his neatly groomed hair. “I know I have no right to say a word, as this was all my idea, but I gotta tell you, it hurts. I guess when I imagined how things would be, I was imagining what things have been for me—a hookup now and then, some companionship for dinner or something. But that was dumb of me. I know you better than that. You weren’t going to do some random hookup.”
“I tried. I even joined Tinder. But it didn’t feel right.”
“My sister sent me a link to a news story—a kiss at a hockey game. It said he was a player.”
Oh, God. I was devastated that Gabriel had told me he’d been with other people. I couldn’t imagine if I’d had to see it on a Jumbotron. That kiss had been all over the news. I had an ache in my chest. “I can’t believe you saw that.”
“Victoria didn’t know things had changed between us… So she thought…”
“Oh my God. She thought she was catching me cheating on you?”
“Yeah. I hadn’t told my family anything.”
“I hope you set the record straight so your family doesn’t think I’m horrible.”
“Yes, of course I did.”
“Why hadn’t you told them?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just figured it would be hard to explain things. My family adores you. Plus, once I got home and we were back together, it would make no difference.” He paused. “Is it serious? Things between you and this guy?”
Once he was home and we were back together—as if it were a foregone conclusion. Which I suppose I’d been desperately trying to make sure it was. But in this moment, I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Things between me and Max felt serious. We’d spent every waking moment for the last two weeks with each other. And I had feelings for him, strong ones even. But we also had an expiration date, so how serious could we really be?
“He’s moving at the end of the summer.”
“Oh.”
“Can I ask you something, Gabriel?”
“Of course.”
“What if I’d just said yes, that things between me and Max are serious? How would that make you feel?”
“How do you think it would make me feel? I haven’t slept for a week, ever since I heard you were dating someone. It fucking sucks. I love you, and you’re with another man.”
“But you don’t love me enough to be faithful while you’re gone. You do know we could have visited each other and made it work long distance.” I felt a lump in my throat. “If you love me, how could you let me go?”
“It was never about not loving you, Georgia. I told you that. It was about not liking myself. I felt like a failure—my career, my life, everything. And at the same time, everything was falling into place for you—your career was soaring, you were ready to move on to the next phase of your life… You’re a shining star. I knew something needed to change when I started to resent your success.” His voice cracked. “I didn’t feel worthy of your love.”
Tears slid down my cheeks. I’d heard Gabriel say some version of those words before, but this was the first time they’d made much sense. Our breakup had come as such a shock to me. Until now, all I’d felt was my own pain. At this point I could better comprehend Gabriel’s need for space to get himself in a better place, but I still couldn’t understand loving someone, yet wanting to be with someone else.
I took a breath. “I’m sorry you felt unworthy. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much pain you were in.”
“None of this is your fault, Georgia. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. But you asked how I could let you go, and it was never because I didn’t love you enough, it was because I do love you enough to let go so I can try to fix me. I want to be the man you deserve.”