“I shouldn’t have called,” I said, wishing I could turn back time. Unlearn that he was telling me to move on because he already had.
When I hung up the phone, I pulled my knees to my chest. Dogs in the adjacent lot howled at each other as they continued their turf war. Loneliness washed over me, as I thought about the road ahead. I had no job, no Alex, and no idea what I was going to do next.
16
My eyes were red and puffy from crying all night, but I couldn’t let my mother see that, so I hid my face under the covers when she came to wake me the next morning. Guilt consumed me. She had no idea that last night I would have done the thing that would have hurt her most if only Alex had let me. I told her I wasn’t feeling well, and it was probably exhaustion, so I was left to rest in my room.
After I knew everyone was downstairs having breakfast and the second floor was empty, I called Carrie on video chat. When her face popped up on my phone screen, I could see that she was still at the office even though it was after nine in the evening in Los Angeles. Her red hair was pulled back into a bun with a pen holding it together. It was her standard after-hours work look. I knew that by now she would have also kicked off her shoes and would be roaming around the office barefoot in her tiny defiance for having to work late yet again. Feeling like I always had to be the model minority, I’d never felt like I could do that regardless of the hour.
Upon seeing the face of my closest friend, I could carry on the charade no longer. Carrie would see through my facade in seconds. My face scrunched up, and I felt warm streams on my cheeks.
“You were right,” I managed to say through the tears.
“Hey, what’s going on?” She leaned in.
“I shouldn’t have quit my job,” I said softly.
“So fix it,” she said. “Call Jared. What’s the big deal?”
I took a deep breath. “I quit because I wanted to get Alex back. I wanted to start over with him in New York.”
A knowing expression came over her face. “And?”
“And he’s with someone else in New York. So I quit my job for nothing.” My head drooped away from her gaze.
“It’s not too late,” Carrie said.
I bit my bottom lip. “For me and Alex?” My tone had the foolish innocence of a child.
She sighed. “I don’t know anything about Alex, but it’s probably not too late to get your job back.”
My face fell, and Carrie chewed on her bottom lip. Her face was strained, and I could see she was debating whether to say what was on her mind.
“Why did you want to be with Alex?” she finally said.
My face scrunched up. “Because I love him.”
“But why?” she pressed.
I felt myself shift into a defensive state. I’d never questioned her about why she chose to date certain people. “Because we loved each other. We were able to laugh together, and I could be myself around him.”
Carrie arched her eyebrows. Gently, she said, “From the outside looking in, I’m not sure if you were yourself with him. The guy was pretty selfish, and you catered to him a lot. I’ve seen you stand up to aggressive, football-player-size guys in depositions, but then you’d be this meek, doting person around him. It just looked like you were so desperate to hold on to him, especially because you felt like you had to choose between your parents and him, that you couldn’t see him for what he was. You kept holding on to the guy he was during those first few months you were together, but then when he revealed more of himself, and it was clear that his top priority would always be himself, you kept giving him passes.”
I felt like I’d been slapped, and wondered how long she had been holding on to those words. She had been my rock during the breakup—the only person in my life other than Neel whom I hadn’t alienated during that time. Was she right? She couldn’t be. I had been so clear in my feelings for Alex. My jaw stiffened.
“I don’t think it was like that. I chose him over my parents because he was worth fighting for.”
The skepticism on Carrie’s face was evident. “Everyone is worth fighting for . . . until they aren’t. All I’m saying is that I think you can find someone who will respect you, your family, and your culture more than Alex. Someone who will meet you halfway and not expect you to abandon everything you knew and adopt his way of life.”
I knew she meant well, but her words stung. “If you’ve thought that this whole time, then why didn’t you ever say anything before?”