I start to move, but long fingers wrap around my wrist.
“Whenever my mom would tuck me into bed at night, she’d kiss me on the forehead.” Phoenix looks away, withdrawing into himself. “No matter how shitty the day was, she always ended it with, ‘I love you, my rara avis’ and then a forehead kiss…until she left.” He exhales heavily. “I held on to those memories, though because it’s the only time I ever felt loved. But that love eroded into pain. And the longer she was gone, the more it hurt.”
His eyes find mine. “I didn’t want to get attached to another woman, because the one woman who was never supposed to break my heart smashed it into a thousand fucking pieces.”
My own heart does an excruciating flip. It makes so much sense now.
Not just the kissing. But him never wanting to have a relationship.
He doesn’t want to let another woman in.
He doesn’t want to get hurt.
I palm his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
I hate that this woman ruined her son so much that he’s closed up parts of himself eternally.
She didn’t just rob him of her love, she took away his ability to accept love from anyone.
He shrugs a shoulder like it’s no big deal. “I just thought you, of all people, deserved to know the truth behind my no-kissing rule.”
I run my thumb along the faint stubble on his jaw. “And here I stupidly wondered if it was a bad first kiss that put you off.”
His lips curve. “My first kiss was great, actually…until I fucked it up.”
Safe to say he’s piqued my curiosity. “What happened?”
Those blue eyes hold me captive. “Well, she was my tutor, but we had a strong connection and ended up forming a friendship.”
My stomach coils because this story sounds awfully familiar.
“She helped me pass an English final so I could graduate high school. I met her in the band room to tell her the good news, but the moment I saw her sitting at the piano…it felt like someone hit me over the head with a steel pipe.”
I can’t speak. Can’t breathe. Can’t move.
He takes the breath I’m unable to and his fingers find my hair, drawing me closer. “I thought about all the hours she spent helping me, the reading pen she bought me…her unwavering belief in me.” His gaze drops to my mouth, and he leans in. “When I told her I passed, she ran over and hugged me, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted more.”
Oh god.
His lips ghost mine. “With her…I wanted more.”
An array of emotions tangle in my chest as his mouth slides over mine.
I was his first kiss.
I almost want to laugh because I was so inexperienced myself I never would have known if he was bad at it.
My pulse skyrockets as his fingers grip my chin, keeping me in place. A breathless moan leaves me as he takes me deeper, and I can feel my resistance crack a little more with every sweep of his tongue.
He’s definitely not bad at it. If anything, he’s too good at it.
It’s almost unfair.
Knowing I’m the only one in the world who gets to experience this with him makes me feel…special.
“Kissing is back on the table,” I murmur against his lips.
He hitches my leg around his waist, and I feel his mouth twitch. “It was never off.”
Dammit, Lennon. Get a hold of yourself.
I pull back slightly. “We’re still temporary fuck buddies.” I try to catch my breath but it’s impossible because he’s looking into my eyes, siphoning all the air from my lungs. “But I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have an intense physical attraction to one another, right?”
The corners of his lips rise. “Right.”
“And because of that, it wouldn’t be fair to deny ourselves the full experience, right?”
Full experience.
My stomach twists. I just had to say those words, didn’t I?
He’s full on smirking now. “Right.”
As if sensing I’m about to get stuck in my head, he slams his mouth against mine.
We kiss for so long…I lose all concept of time.
We kiss for so long…I never want to break apart.
We kiss for so long…I almost forget how much it hurts.
CHAPTER 53
LENNON
Balancing the plate of eggs, ham, and toast, I exit the kitchen and open the sliding door to the bunk.
It’s been three days since we reported Quinn missing and we still haven’t heard anything.
The first day, Phoenix was still optimistic we’d find her and we had another search party before and after the concert.