“Because you dragged my friend here to try and convince me to leave my home so I can be pulled back into your atmosphere again.” She tugs on a new pair of sweatpants. “I told you the other day that I didn’t want to, but as usual, you have to keep pushing until you get your way. Just like you pushed me to go to Europe when I wanted to go home and see my dad.”
I rear back from the force of the blow.
I thought she realized that making her go to Europe was only so I could do the right thing and give her what she deserves.
I had no idea her dad was gonna die.
Guilt—my old companion—rears its ugly head. Along with shame.
If I didn’t fuck up to begin with, I wouldn’t have had to make things right…and she would have had more time with her father.
“I’m sorry.”
It seems the only thing I ever give this girl is heartache.
“I don’t blame you.” A scowl twists her features. “I blame myself because I can never say no to you.” She pulls a T-shirt over her head and climbs back into bed. “But I am this time because I’m not leaving my home. I can’t.”
“Then we won’t.”
I’ll stay in her atmosphere. Problem solved.
Only it’s not because she snaps, “Which is exactly why I want an annulment.”
And we’ve circled right back to where we started. Her wanting to end this and me not understanding why.
“I just told you we can stay.”
“But it’s not what you want,” she yells, bolting up. “And why would you? You’re a rock star, Phoenix. Music isn’t what you do, it’s who you are. I’m not letting you throw your life away just to watch me grieve for the rest of mine. It’s not fair to you.”
She doesn’t get it. After everything, she still doesn’t fucking get it.
“You’re what I want, Lennon. I love music, but I love you more.”
She wipes away the tear sliding down her cheek. “And I love you. So much so I refuse to let you give up your dream for me.”
Round and round we go. The harder I try to hold on, the more she pushes me away.
“Fuck you.”
Her head snaps up. “I’m never gonna be the same, Phoenix. This pain. This fucking agony that’s taken up residence in my soul…it will never go away.” Her eyes fill with more tears. “I’m trying to save you from a lifetime of misery. Don’t you get that?”
I grab her face. “Don’t you get that we’re not something you can throw away or end? I don’t care if you stay in this fucking bed for the rest of your life and cry every goddamn day. I’m not leaving you.”
Because I’d rather be miserable with her than happy with anyone else.
CHAPTER 79
PHOENIX
I thought we had a breakthrough, but two days later Lennon’s still lying in bed and barely eating.
According to Mrs. Palma, that’s how grief works. It comes in stages and waves and it doesn’t follow a set pattern.
One second you could be smiling and the next? The pain strikes and you’re right back to square one.
Problem is, I can’t seem to get my wife out of square one.
I haven’t seen Lennon’s smile in over a month. I’m beginning to think I might never see it again.
Mrs. Palma told me I should give her some space, and not the kind that involves me closing the door to the bedroom and going downstairs.
The kind that involves me leaving the house for a few hours. This way Lennon has no choice but to take care of herself.
I didn’t like the idea, but I’m running out of options. And things to do because there’s nothing interesting in this shit town.
I find myself at a diner eating a bland burger for dinner and talking to Storm on the phone.
“Have you met him?”
My replacement.
“No. The meeting isn’t until next month.”
“Why so long?”
“We’re giving you time to change your mind.”
I take a bite of my burger. When I swallow, it feels like sawdust going down. “I won’t.”
“You’re—”
“How’s Quinn?” I ask, changing the topic of discussion to something that doesn’t make me want to throw myself off the nearest bridge.
“She’s fine. Moody as fuck, but fine.”
“She’s a teenager. It comes with the territory.”
Shit, we’re twenty-three and we’re still moody bastards.
“True, but this isn’t typical teenage angst bullshit. She seems mad at me about something.”