I never thought about that—how they discovered the ins and outs of the curse, how the discovery of each facet would’ve been traumatic in its own right.
“I was already angry with my father,” Finn says. “But then we put it together and realized we’d been cursed by the golden queen, and my anger grew hotter. It was his fault that the woman I loved was dead. His fault that all my friends were dying.
“I told him I wouldn’t help him get Mordeus off the throne. He’d made the mess. He could fix it.”
He rakes his hand over his face. “By the time he handed his life over for yours, I hadn’t spoken to him in eleven years.”
“Finn.” I roll to my side, reaching my arm over my head and resting on my shoulder to study him.
“Mordeus was only a small part of the problem. You weren’t responsible for the Great Fae War, for your father’s actions with the golden queen, or for the curse.”
He turns to his side, mimicking my position. “If we’d gotten Mordeus off the throne, these people would’ve had only the curse to contend with, and they could’ve done so from the safety of their own homes. Instead, they were forced to run while they were at their weakest.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t have a choice in what your father did for me, but I am sorry for the havoc my survival has brought to your kingdom.”
“I’m not sorry,” he says. “Not for that part. When you came into my life, you were a bright star in an endlessly dark night. I needed to see there was still something worth hoping for. And maybe that proves I’m still a spoiled, selfish child, but I won’t be sorry for any choice that brought you here or kept you here. Please don’t ask me to be.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
He just stares at me, and the hands above our heads find each other. He strokes his thumb along the back of my palm, never taking his eyes from mine.
With a single, tentative finger, I trace the sharp tip of his ear and the hard line of his jaw. When I reach his mouth, his lips part and his eyes float closed. I want to kiss him. I want to let him kiss me. I want to pick up where we left off under the waterfall and learn how those hands would feel if they finished their journey up my torso and to my breasts. I want to feel his mouth on mine again, and this time I would memorize every facet of his taste and the feel of his lips.
Finn squeezes my hand, as if he feels it too and wants the same. But he doesn’t kiss me.
“Maybe you didn’t realize I was in love with him . . . because I never really was.”
“You don’t have to say that,” he says softly. “Having feelings for one person doesn’t negate what you feel for someone else.”
Finn’s talking about what I might be feeling for him. “I know that, but that’s not what I mean. With Sebastian . . .” I squeeze Finn’s hand, embarrassed to admit this. “I was in love with what he represented. After years of struggling all on my own to survive, he offered me companionship and security. That’s why I bonded with him. I wanted his protection. I wanted not to be alone ever again.”
He swallows. “You wanted someone you could trust.”
“Desperately,” I whisper, and the word is so raw that I feel more exposed than I did under that waterfall, dressed in nothing but my wet undergarments.
“Someday you’ll have that.” With that whispered promise, he rolls onto his back to look up at the sky, and I follow his lead.
We lie there for a long time, staring up at the stars, the quiet night wrapping around us like a comforting childhood blanket, the only sounds the music and laughter floating up from the party on the mountain far below. Our futures are so unsure, but in this moment, with our fingers intertwined, I feel peace. I feel hope.
When we return to the campsite, he brings me to our tent, but he’s distracted. As much as I want him to come inside with me, I can tell he needs time alone with his thoughts. He needs these moments of reflection and silence before we see the priestess tomorrow.
“Good night, Finn,” I say. “I’ll see you when you come to bed.” Solitude is all I can offer him right now, and I wish I could do more.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The new day brings more sun, but my mood is as dark as a moonless night.
If Finn ever came back to the tent last night, I missed it, and this morning he popped in to leave me a tray of coffee and let me know that we’ll be leaving in an hour for our meeting with the priestess.
Now he’s busy elsewhere—probably speaking with Juliana again, but I try not to think too much about that. Or about where he may have been all night.