“So what do we do?” he asks, rubbing the back of his neck.
I take a breath. “You and I can take the throne together. The crown and its power ruling together.
Because we’re bonded. Because, in that way, we are one. All it would require is a trip to the River of Ice. If we go together, the waters will make our bond permanent and tie our lives to one another.” I swallow. “And then we can rule side by side.”
Leaving his glass where it is, he turns toward me. “And what do you think about that plan?”
The glimmer of hope in his eyes is a knife to my chest. “Sebastian, I can’t be with you romantically. We’re past that, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to try.”
He scoffs. “Right. Because you’re worried about being fair to me. ”
“This is bigger than you and me.” As I struggle to find the words, he keeps those beautiful eyes on my face, scanning again and again for answers. “We’d be doing this to save thousands of innocents from death and slavery under Arya’s rule.”
“You have to believe I never knew her plans. I never wanted the Unseelie Court to suffer like this.”
“I know,” I whisper.
He steps closer. “So you’ll stay bound to me? You’ll rule by my side?” He takes my hand.
“You’re willing to do this for people you once loathed?”
I draw in a breath for patience in light of this evidence that Sebastian still doesn’t understand me.
“Of course I will. These people . . .” Images flash through my mind—Finn and his crew and all they did during the years of the curse, the people at the Unseelie settlement in Misha’s territory, the sleeping children, and the friendly faces in Staraelia. “I was bigoted and wrong. These people have suffered too much. A leader who will protect them is the least they deserve.”
“I would’ve done anything to prove myself,” he says. “Anything to get you back. And now that I finally get you, now that our future is sealed, you’re in love with another male.”
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with him.” I swallow hard. This hurts too much. My heart’s being pummeled from every direction. “But this is bigger than you or me.”
“What you feel for him—it’s because you’re tethered. Generations of Mab’s line felt an undeniable draw to their tethered match. It’s not your fault you have these feelings.”
My connection with Finn may have started that way, but the love I feel for him is more than that.
But does it matter anymore? Would the truth do anything but hurt Sebastian?
“If I agree, does that mean you’re going to give me a chance?” he asks. “Give us a chance? Or do you intend to keep sleeping with my brother?”
I flinch at the accusation in his voice. He didn’t say the words cheater, adulteress, but he might as well have.
“You think I didn’t know what he planned to do once he got you to the Silent Ridge?” He huffs out a dry laugh and shakes his head. “You think I couldn’t smell you all over each other when I arrived in the mountains to bring you home?”
I open my mouth to apologize and snap it shut again. I got one beautiful, perfect night. I’m giving up so much. I won’t regret that night on top of everything else. “I don’t know what will happen between me and Finn,” I finally say. “But this plan isn’t one where you and I marry and fall in love again.”
He takes a step back, and his expression goes blank.
“I don’t want him here,” he says. “I can’t rule by your side if he’s around—if I have to feel you . .
. longing for him.”
“He is my tethered match and can provide me power when I need it. He can protect me in that way.”
“You can funnel his power from afar. I will protect you from your side,” he barks. “I am your bonded partner. If we are to spend our lives together, ruling side by side, you can give me this at least. I don’t want him in the palace, and I don’t want him in your life as anything more than your faithful servant.”
“So you’ll exile him? Like Mordeus did?”
“I’m not banishing him from these lands, I just . . .”
I hang my head and focus on my breathing as his pain tears through me. I let it. For once, I don’t block him out. I need to feel this. I need to understand just what this solution will cost him.
Otherwise, my own pain—my own anger and selfish desires—will break me.