“And what about you? Do you need Finn? Is he what you want?”
He felt something through the bond when I kissed Finn. He might not know exactly what was happening, but I see in his eyes that he suspects.
I shake my head. “I don’t want anyone.”
“You’re sure about that? You light up when he’s around. I suspected it before, but now that we’re bonded, I feel it.”
“It’s not because I’m pining for him.” I cringe because that’s only partly true. “My magic is stronger when Finn’s around. It’s been that way since I came to Faerie. I used to think it was because of his connection to the crown, but I . . .” Suddenly finishing that sentence seems very cruel.
“But what?” Sebastian asks. “But you don’t feel the same surge of power around me? Is that what you were going to say?”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I don’t understand it, but it wasn’t something I chose. It just is.”
“Tell me what you want.” He means for me to tell him how he can win me back, but I don’t have an answer for that.
“I want peace. I want what’s best for this kingdom.”
“I do too.” Sebastian presses a hand to his chest. “I just don’t want to have to give up everything else that matters to me in order to find it.”
I swallow hard. After having a similar, yet opposite conversation with Finn, Sebastian suddenly seems very young. “Do you want to be king, or do you want to be a great king? Sacrifice is what makes great kings. That’s what great leaders do.”
Wincing, Sebastian bows his head. “Right.”
A servant brings in a tray of food and sets it on the table before ducking out again just as quietly.
Sebastian pulls out a chair and gestures for me to sit. When I hesitate for too long, he says, “Please?”
“I’m not hungry.” I twist my hands. In truth, I need to get away. Seeing Sebastian, kissing him, feeling him, it’s too much. “I need to head into the city. I want to see that the sleeping children are settled in before we leave tomorrow.”
“It’s not safe to travel through the palace gates right now. I’ll send Riaan with you. He can take you another way.”
I nod. It’s easier to accept the escort than it is to argue, and probably wise as well. “In the meantime,” I say, “you can meet with Finn and decide what you want to do.”
“The answer’s no.” His voice cracks on the words. “I won’t allow him to hold the bond. Not even temporarily.”
I hold my breath. “Are you sure? That was his offer in exchange for helping you.”
He glances toward the windows, as if he can see the unhappy crowds that wait beyond the gates.
“He needs me as much as I need him. As for the bond with you . . . The priestess will want to talk to you, not him. The bond is irrelevant.”
“I hope you’re right about that,” I say softly, and I hope Finn’s wrong not to trust Sebastian with the location of the priestess’s temple.
“Finnian’s jealous that I have you and he doesn’t. Don’t let him get in your head.”
Even though I know it will hurt him, I say, “You don’t have me, Bash.”
His throat bobs as he swallows. “I did. For a minute.”
And because it feels impossible, I don’t bother blocking the impact of his emotions as they come at me right through my shield—his sorrow, his regret swelling inside me as if they were my own.
“I love you,” he says. “I still, forever, and will always love you. ” Silence stretches out between us, and he searches my face again and again. He draws in a ragged breath. “Say something.”
“There’s nothing I can say.”
“You felt it too,” he says. He reaches for me, but I step from his grasp. “I know you felt it too. I know you meant every word you said when you took the bond. You loved me.”
“I loved the male I thought you were. Twice. And both were a lie.”
“Where do you think you’re going?” Finn asks.
I let the stable boy help me up onto Two Star and take her reins. “Sebastian said no. He won’t transfer the bond.”
Finn grimaces. “He’s a stubborn child. ”
I shrug. “Maybe so, but his mind’s made up. You’ll have to find a way to work together without that part of the agreement. Your court is counting on you, so maybe that could be reason enough.” I nudge the mare with my heels, leading her out of the stables.