“Oh.” Ruby’s shoulders relaxed. It was hard to tell whether she was relieved or disappointed. “What about Maple Sound? You like it there?”
“No.”
“What about your Tito Micky?” Her mother’s voice lowered a notch. “He bothering you?”
Joey met her mother’s gaze. “Not really.”
They fell into silence for a moment. Joey glanced over at Deborah, who had a magazine she wasn’t reading spread open on the table in front of her. She gave the social worker a smile to let her know everything was okay. Deborah smiled back.
“I don’t like that woman,” her mother said, her eyes narrowing as she followed Joey’s gaze. “I don’t like the way she looks at me. Judging me. What have you been telling her?”
“Nothing.” And you shut up, Deborah is perfect.
“Move your chair closer,” Ruby said, and Joey shuffled her chair forward a few inches. Her mother leaned in. “Listen, I want to talk to you about the trial. You know you have to testify, right? The crown attorney considers you a witness.”
She nods.
“I need you to be smart, Joey,” Ruby said. “There’s nothing I can do about the things you wrote in your diaries, because they’re evidence now, and everyone has already read them. I was mad for a while, but I understand you were upset when you wrote those things. I’m not mad anymore, okay?”
Of course you’re not mad. You’re enraged.
“You really fucked things up for us, but you can still fix this, okay? You need to fix this. For me, and for us. You understand that, right, baby?”
“How do I fix it?” Joey asked.
Ruby reached for her hands, then stopped when the nearby corrections officer shook her head. Joey looked down at the table. Her mother’s nails, usually long and painted red, were bare and bitten down to the quick.
“When you testify,” Ruby said, “I need you to make it very clear that Charles was … hurting you. You said a lot of things in your diaries, but the one thing you didn’t write about was what Charles was doing to you.”
Because I couldn’t write about it. Writing about it makes me relive it. Writing about it in my diary means it really happened.
Joey stared at her mother. “You knew, Mama?” she asked softly. “You knew what Charles was doing?”
“Oh, stop.” Ruby waved a hand. “I didn’t really know, okay? I don’t remember you saying anything to me about it. How could I know anything if you don’t tell me?”
Because you’d blame it on me if I did.
“I didn’t know anything for a fact until that night.” Ruby spoke earnestly, as if she were saying this to someone who didn’t know her. “I was shocked.”
“I don’t know if I can talk about it,” Joey said. “Out loud, I mean. In court.”
“But he was hurting you.” Her mother cocked her head. “Why wouldn’t you want to tell everyone that he was hurting you?”
Because he wasn’t just hurting me, he was raping me. And I can’t say that out loud without feeling like I’m being raped all over again.
“Baby, if you tell the jury about Charles when you testify, it helps me, do you understand?” Her mother’s face is inches from her own, her voice the volume of a stage whisper. “Because then the jury will understand why I did what I did. I’m your mother, and I did it to protect you. This is extremely important for my defense. If you don’t tell them about Charles, I will go to prison forever. And then where will you be? Stuck in Maple Sound, that’s where. I might only do six months on the child abuse charge with good behavior and the completion of some bullshit program. Six months, Joey, and then we’d be together again. Don’t you want me to get out?”
I don’t know.
“Baby, please,” Ruby said. “You need to do this, okay? You need to say all of the bad things that Charles was doing to you. Don’t hold back. Tell them everything.”
So now you want everyone to hear it, now that it helps you.
In a soft voice, Joey said, “You know he wasn’t the only one, Mama.”
Ruby exhaled. “You’re mad at me. That’s fine. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I had some bad boyfriends. But we can talk about that after I get out. For now, we have to stay focused. Just Charles, okay? You need to tell them specifically about Charles. Promise me, Joey, or else I will die in prison. And I guarantee, you will never be able to live with that.”