She shoved me through the door into a bathroom that needed to be hosed down with a truckload of bleach.
“Take your clothes off,” she said when the door swung shut.
“What? Tina, we can’t leave Waylay alone with him. He’s insane.”
“I’m gettin’ that. Now take off your goddamn clothes,” she said, dropping her pants.
“You’ve lost your mind. This isn’t just another bad decision with horrible consequences. You’ve gone off the deep end, haven’t you?”
“For fuck’s sake. I’m not trying to have incestual relations with you. This ain’t a porno. We’re trading places. He’s not gonna let you walk out of here and get help. But he’ll let me leave.” She stripped her shirt off over her head and threw it in my direction. It hit me in the face.
“Then leave and call the police,” I hissed.
“I’m not leavin’ Way with that stupid motherfucker.”
“You already abandoned her once!”
“I left her with you, smarty-pants. Knew you’d take care of her until I got my score.”
I knew I shouldn’t really take that as a compliment, but it was about as close as Tina got to giving them.
“He’s fondling that Beretta like it’s his dick and he’s got a loaded PPK under the pizza box,” she continued. “You know how to work one? Are you willing to shoot a man in the fucking balls and risk prison?”
“No and yes. If it gets Waylay out of here alive.”
“Well, I’m yes and yes. Pretty damn good shot too. So gimmie your damn skirt. And you go call the cops.”
“Can’t you just send Knox or Nash a text and tell them where we are?”
“Phone’s in the car,” she said, dragging my skirt up her hips. “Dunc’s paranoid about being tracked by the government. Won’t let a cell phone near him here.”
I pulled her shirt over my head. “Fine. Okay. So what’s the plan then?”
“We go out there. I’m you but I give Waylay the code.”
“What’s the code?”
“I say ‘I read this article on the devastation of the rainforest,’ and she knows it’s code for get ready to run.”
I supposed it was Tina’s version of having a family fire drill. “Okay. Then what?”
“She’ll make up the location of wherever she hid the thing. Dunc’ll send his guys to get it. You’ll leave to get celebratory chicken, but really you’ll go down to the car and call 911.”
This didn’t sound like a great plan. And I trusted my sister about as far as I could spit, which was not far at all. But I didn’t have any other options. “What will you do?” I stalled. “Even if you get past Duncan, there are men with guns outside.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get Waylay out of here.”
I zipped her jeans and then stepped into her boots.
We looked at each other.
“Your boobs are exploding out of my shirt,” I observed.
She reached for the roll of toilet paper. “Stuff.”
“Seriously?” I squeaked.
“As long as you and me have big tits, he won’t notice the difference. He’s seven beers into his night.”
“You have got to get better taste in men,” I complained as I shoved wads of toilet paper into my bra.
She shrugged. “He’s not so bad when he’s not drunk.”
“Yo! Ladies! Get your asses out here. I’m ready to shoot someone.”
“He sounds like a dreamboat,” I grumbled.
“Try not to walk like you got a stick up your ass,” Tina hissed, shoving me toward the door.
“Try to talk like you didn’t have to cheat your way through the eighth grade.”
We returned to Bachelor Central, and I was relieved to see that Waylay was still alive and looking mutinous. Waylon was sitting next to her chair like a guard. His tail thumped when he saw me, and I worried that Duncan would notice.
Fortunately, he was too engrossed in a video game that apparently involved shooting scantily dressed women.
“Ha! Suck my barrel, bitch!”
Tina cleared her throat and looked at Waylay. “I read this article on the devastation of the rainforest.”
Waylay’s eyes widened above the duct tape. I nodded at her, and then at her mother. She blinked twice. Tina elbowed me.
“Ouch. I mean, quit blabbering about reading shit and go sit down over there… by my kid,” I said, tossing my hair over my shoulder and gesturing in Waylay’s direction.