I suffocated. I split. I bled. I burned. I froze. I freeze.
I let go.
I have endured enough.
49
Kit
JANUARY 10, 2020
I EXAMINE NAT as though seeing her for the first time.
What did I tell you during our second session? Natalie has never had your best interest at heart.
I flex my neck, then continue walking. We pass the front of the house, stopping at the wrought iron gate. I punch a code into the panel. The door swings open.
“I wish you wouldn’t,” I say, “but I can only control my actions, not yours.”
Police interference has always been a possibility at Wisewood, though Teacher said the NDA was enough to silence the rare unhappy guest. If not, Gordon has employed a few scare tactics once or twice to ensure our secrets stay secret.
If Nat goes to the cops, if they locate Teacher, they’ll find no evidence of a struggle. No signs of foul play. She was the one who refused to return to the mainland. What had I done besides carry out her wishes?
You destroyed the one woman who accepted you as you were.
The gate closes behind us. We clomp down the path toward the pier.
“I don’t understand you,” Nat says, trying to slow me down.
I speed up. “You probably never will.”
Teacher’s absence is best for Wisewood. She distracted us during our q’s, ate up our time with never-ending tests of loyalty, pitted us against one another. She put us all at risk—Jeremiah was determined to take her down and would’ve gladly crushed Wisewood to do so. Now that I’ve eliminated the threat of her, he has the justice he wanted. If he ever speaks to the press, then I will too. I’ll explain that Rebecca Stamp is no longer affiliated with Wisewood, that we didn’t know how Madame Fearless treated her employees in the past, though perhaps we should have guessed. Teacher will never again hurt my peers or students the way she hurt Jeremiah’s brother, the way she hurt me.
My sister watches me expectantly.
“Someone has to uphold this institution,” I tell her.
Teacher was Wisewood, but Wisewood is not her. The staff designs the courses, teaches the classes, conducts the quests. We bring students to the island and lead them through orientation, guide them every step of the way. Ruth and I can lead one-on-ones. We can do this without Teacher.
Don’t flatter yourself. Without me, Wisewood is a washed-up commune.
Teacher gave birth to a movement that has outgrown her. This is the natural order of things: mothers age, languish, die, while their offspring move on without them. Teacher’s principles were right, but her means of implementing them were wrong.
If the mother makes the baby sick, you remove the baby from its mother.
“God knows Gordon isn’t capable of protecting Wisewood’s values,” I add.
Unlike Jeremiah, Gordon will never let this go. He won’t return to Wisewood without Teacher by his side—he has no attachment to this place, only to her. Just as well. We don’t need Gordon to keep Wisewood going. The community doesn’t depend on any single person. It’s bigger than that. It’s about to get much better.
Naturally I’m concerned about releasing him back into the world, but he’s an old man. Without Teacher to serve, he’ll become rudderless. Time will do what time does. I hope before then he finds peace, a way to pursue his Maximized Self in the outside world. Though I don’t like him, he has as much of a right to work the path as I do. Jesus didn’t get to kill the disciples he found grating.
The Hourglass is in sight, floating at the end of the pier. The sun warms my face. Only a couple of months until spring.
“I can’t believe you’re willing to do literally anything to keep Wisewood going.” Nat says this like it’s a bad thing.
You’re a tidal wave, Kitten.
I imagine my sister marching into the police station, demanding they dismantle everything we’ve worked so hard to build. I see Debbie returning to Carl, collecting bruises like baseball cards. Raeanne is forced into the back of her truck, four hands holding her down. Ruth is alone in Utah. Sofia weeps nightly at her daughter’s grave site. Sanderson is back on the streets, begging for booze. We’ve already had one close call with him.
A few days ago he confided to Ruth that he was leaving for good. He claimed it had nothing to do with drinking—he felt stronger than ever but had changed his mind about Wisewood and wanted to return to his family. But we all knew better than that. Luckily Ruth reported the plan to Gordon, who jumped on the Hourglass to save Sanderson right before he snuck away. I shudder to think what might’ve happened if we’d lost him.