“Would it have killed you to choose a different stunt?”
“I should change my performance because you’re afraid?”
He struggled to keep his composure. “Can you blame me after what happened with Aflame?”
I scrutinized my hands. From knuckles to wrists puckered angry red scars, the only parts of my body with permanent disfigurement from that performance. The rest of the scars, corporeal and otherwise, had faded with skin grafts and physical therapy. I still stood by the show. The photos were glorious, worth every second of pain and the months of recovery. One of them even made a local newspaper.
Ten months after deserting me in the hospital, Gabe had returned to my side, as I knew he would. Our work was finally beginning to take off, but with each new exploit being more dangerous than the last, I fretted over my fans. I couldn’t bear to endanger them; for the first time I had forbidden an audience from attending my performance. The masses would have to settle for a taped viewing. While I worried about my fans, Gabe worried about me. We quarreled incessantly over my safety. What had once been endearing now stifled.
“We should’ve hired a safety crew,” Gabe said.
“That’s what The Five are here for.”
He rolled his eyes. “They’re not qualified.”
“You brood too much.” I wrenched on the dry hood, signaling the end of the parley. Gabe pulled the boots onto my feet, then extended the neoprene gloves. I slid them over my sullied hands, marveled at my body made flawless again. The mask came last. Together we slipped it over my face. Gabe tightened the strap on the back of my head.
“You didn’t watch your best friend go up in flames.”
“Oh, Gabriel, it was five years ago. Enough sniveling.”
He crossed shaking arms. After all this time, he was still afraid.
I had failed him.
“Join me,” I said suddenly.
“Where?”
“In the water. You’ve only ever endured my lectures. You’re overdue to put the lessons into practice.”
Gabe blinked. “You must be joking. I haven’t done any training.”
I knew in my gut this was the solution he needed. It was the right thing to do. “You don’t have to stay in as long as I do. Just experience the sensation of true fearlessness running through your veins. Perhaps then you’ll understand why I do what I do.”
He shook his head. “I’ll take your word for it.”
“Oh, come on. Any of The Five would die for this opportunity.”
“I’m not them. I have a job to do here, in case you’ve forgotten. Your safety is my top priority.”
I waved him off. “The Five will serve as my safety crew. They don’t need a sixth running the show.”
“I don’t—”
“You can come up with as many cockamamie excuses as you want. We both know the real reason you don’t want to.” I paused. “You’re afraid.”
He glanced away.
“Gabriel.” I took his hands in mine. “Do you believe in my—our—mission?”
“Would I be here if I didn’t?”
“Then when are you going to stop letting fear run your life? What happened to the Gabe who knocked on my dressing room door so many years ago, demanding an apprenticeship? The one who called my father a bastard? Who moved to New York despite his own father’s warnings?”
“Don’t go there.” He thrust out his chin. “I’ve got nothing to prove to a dead man.”
“But you have something to prove to someone else. Someone much more important.” I clasped his shoulders. “I see the way you gaze at me before I start a show. Jealously, longingly. Some part of you wants the chance to shine as I do. I’m giving you that chance right now. Prove to yourself you’re every bit as brave as Madame Fearless. I’ll be by your side the entire time.”
Gabe sighed, but there was a glimmer of something in his eyes. “You won’t take no for an answer, will you?”
I laughed. “I can promise you this much. You’re going to feel goddamn invincible.”
* * *
? ? ?
OVER THE YEARS, the question I had been asked most frequently: how do you quit being afraid?
You didn’t, not entirely. You learned to ignore your body’s warnings to stop, turn around, go back before it’s too late.
I squinted up through the murky green water at the round hole in the ice, head pounding. Brain freeze was not uncommon in ice dives; cold water did not mix well with the soft tissues of the head. ThermoKline, the company from whom we purchased the dive gear, had guaranteed any head pain would attenuate quickly, thanks to the innovative features in their new line.