My legs feel weak. I back through the doorway, keeping my eyes on the knife. The masked woman drifts behind me through the forest, commanding the occasional “right” and “left.” Even in the frigid storm, I can feel the steam of her body heat at my back. I picture what would happen if she tripped and stumbled forward, if the blade was still out. I walk faster.
After what seems like forever, she tells me to stop. I look around but don’t see any buildings, only tree branches heavy with snow. They offer some shelter from the weather, but I’m already covered in powder.
“Where is it?”
She stays silent.
“You had no right to steal my shit.”
Still she says nothing. Who is this woman, so cold and controlled?
“I want my phone back.”
Motionless in spite of the storm, she stares through me. “You should’ve read your contract.”
“Listen, I’m sorry for breaking your rules.” I hate my pleading tone.
The masked woman watches me for a while. I force myself to wait her out.
“Stay here ’til someone comes for you,” she finally says.
Every hair on my body stands on end. The arteries in my neck pulse. “You can’t be serious. It’s freezing outside. We’re in the middle of a snowstorm.”
She leans over me. “What Teacher says goes.”
I remember the bloodcurdling scream when I first arrived at Wisewood. How many people has she punished this way? “I want to see my sister.”
She plays with the box cutter, expelling and retracting the blade.
“What about my phone?”
She shakes her head.
“There has to be another way. Please.”
The woman brandishes the cutter in my face. I shrink from her. We stare at each other, breathing heavily in the snow.
“Don’t follow me.” She steps backward, still holding out the knife. “No one’s a tough guy when they’re bleeding out.”
Her feral eyes never leave mine. One gingerly step at a time, she moves away from me, blade at the ready. I want to cry out. Instead I watch her go until I can no longer see her shadow, until she disappears into the darkness.
35
THE GIRL STEPPED into my office and froze.
“Something the matter?” I asked from my desk, closing the notebook in which I’d been scribbling.
She stared at my neck, eyes protuberant.
I fingered the scarf. “I thought it was time to test your fear of grief again. Not to mention it gets chilly this time of year.” I rose from the desk, carried my mug of green tea to the sofa, and gestured for her to join me. “How does it make you feel to see me wearing it?”
She opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water. Finally she shrugged. “It doesn’t make me feel anything.”
If she forced that nonchalance any harder, she’d choke on it.
She cleared her throat. “I’m thinking about calling my sister.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“In the same way that scarf has been holding me back,” she said, squirming, “so is the lack of closure with Nat. I feel guilty about the way I treated her after Mom died. Well, before she died too.”
I had heard from my own sister recently via e-mail. Apparently Sir had had a stroke while doing laps in Lake Minnich, nearly drowning. Beer gut aside, he’d always been a healthy man, but now, at eighty-two, the left side of his body was paralyzed and he was battling a blood clot in one of his lungs.
He may not pull through, Jack had warned. You need to come home as soon as possible.
As if she’d known our father’s imminent death wasn’t enough to move me, considering the way he’d treated me throughout his life, she had added, He calls me Abigail these days. He’s been asking to see you, even before the stroke. He is a softer man than the one you knew, a better father.
I admit the idea of him beckoning to me, needing me, gave me pause. But how could I lecture my flock if I myself succumbed to a fear of loss? Besides, my father didn’t deserve a final absolution. When I was a child, he’d demanded strength. Now, as an adult, I would show it to him. I wanted his dying thought to be one of regret for the way he had treated me.
I ground my teeth, waiting for my pulse to slow. （？1）
“Might this be the fear of disapproval having its way with you? You can’t stand to know your sister is out there, judging the decisions you’ve made.”
The girl considered the question. “I don’t think so. Once I clear the air, she and I can go our separate ways.”