“I hope so.”
Norah wants to go to the library, so I drop her there and then head over to Rory’s house. She’s waiting for me, sending texts every twenty minutes. Meadow’s car is out front, of course—I don’t know why I would have expected anything else. She was so vulnerable this morning that I resolve not to get irritable or weird with her.
Nemo trots out and licks my hand, then leads me to the front door. I rub his silky-soft head as I knock, and then Rory is there. “Why are you knocking? Come in here right now!”
Her hair is down and she’s wearing a printed sleeveless sundress that makes her look about twenty, and I can see what Meadow must have been like as a young woman, all softness and curves and smooth skin. “Nemo!” she cries when he stands in front of her. “Go in the backyard with the girls!”
With a doleful look at Elvis, sitting as always at Meadow’s feet, he obeys. The drama makes me laugh, and I catch the big dog at the door, bending over to kiss his nose and head. “I still love you.”
He slurps my nose, mollified, and jumps down to the patio, shaded heavily this time of day. Again I smell smoke. “That fire is still burning?”
“Uncontained,” Meadow says. “Over fifty thousand acres.”
“There’s not going to be anything left of California,” I say. “Do you have any more of that limeade? It’s so good.”
“Yes! I just made some. Sit! Tell us what the doctor said.”
Meadow is nibbling a cookie, all the way around the outside, which she has done as long as I can remember. Blue circles show through the fine skin beneath her eyes, and the marionette lines around her mouth are pronounced. I touch her arm. “You okay?”
“Yes! Fine.” She injects energy into the words, but it doesn’t touch her eyes.
“Well, you are going to be a grandmother again, around Thanksgiving.”
Rory claps excitedly. “Oooh, perfect! I can’t wait. Girl or boy?”
“I don’t know yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.”
“I get that,” she says, and brings me a tall glass of pale-green limeade over ice. “Nathan was dying to know, so we did, but I think it’s fun to keep the surprise.”
Meadow takes my hand. “And the alcohol at the beginning?”
“She said that it could affect the baby, but there’s no way to know until it’s born.”
“Are you prepared to deal with that, a baby who might be deformed or handicapped?” Meadow asks.
The words fall into the world cruelly. Deformed. Handicapped. I gape at her, but before I can say anything, Rory tsks. “Mother! Stop! You’re being so negative about everything. This is a happy accident. Act like it.” She scowls. “Not to mention the hurtful words you chose.”
“I’m just worried. I mean, God forbid, but what if you start drinking again, like—”
She has the grace to halt, but I fill in the rest with a sharp twist of bitterness. “Like my mom?” I give her a tight smile. “Maybe you can swoop in and rescue this baby like you did with me, and all will be well.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She ducks her head, and I see that she’s struggling, but enough is enough. “I just want you to be okay. You didn’t even want to take care of a puppy—a baby is a lot more than that. And you don’t have a job—”
“I do, actually.”
“You won’t be able to support a baby on that.”
All the shame that was trying to crowd in back at the doctor’s office now rises up from the swamp where it lives and fills my cells with sneering doom. I look at my hands, at the pink cast, and my fingernails. I think of the empty future and have no idea how I will live in it. I think of my mother, lying on a bed with purple lips, and squeeze my eyes tight.
Rory says, “Mom, can you give us a minute?”
She gets up, shaking her head. “Everything I say is wrong. I’m just going to head home today, get some rest.”
“Just have lunch. Let’s toast the new little one.”
“I’m not in the mood for toasting.” She kisses my head, then Rory’s cheek, and heads out.
When the front door slams, I look at Rory. “What the actual hell?”
“I’m worried about her.” She sits down. “Please don’t take any of it personally. You’re doing great, and I have every faith that you’ll continue to do well.” She covers my hands. “The universe is giving you a brilliant fresh start.”