I look up at the road and see the airport come into view, thank God. I hold off on answering Eli as we pull up to arrivals.
“Here we are. Let me grab your bag for you.”
“Thank you,” I say as I exit the truck. I move around to the back and give Stephan an awkward hug. “Thanks for all the great food. Your waffles are another world.”
He smirks. “You’re more than welcome. Hopefully, we see each other again.”
“Hopefully,” I say before waving and moving my suitcase inside the airport. I have three hours until my flight, so plenty of time before I need to seriously consider getting to my gate. I move my suitcase to a quiet corner, and I stare down at my phone just as it starts ringing again.
Eli.
Might as well get this over with.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Jesus Christ,” he says, his voice irritated and relieved. “Penny, what the hell are you doing?”
“Headed to my parents’， I told you that. Going to meet Winnie there. She needed some alone time. I tried to tell you how Winnie was doing last night, but we kind of got distracted. But yeah, she called this morning, and I said I’d meet up with her. You were out running, so I thought a note would suffice.”
“You thought a note would be fine? Just a note? How the fuck did you think that would suffice?”
“Can you please calm down?”
“Calm down? Penny, I went for a goddamn run and came back to an empty room, your things gone, and a note. Excuse me if I’m freaked out right now.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I tell him, trying to pass it all off as nothing, even though I can hear the panic in his voice, the same frenzied panic pumping through me at the moment. The panic from knowing that I told this man I loved him and he not only didn’t say anything back, but he didn’t say anything at all and went catatonic on me.
“It’s a big deal to me, Penny. I thought . . . hell, I thought we were spending time together.”
Another wave of guilt hits me hard. But how am I supposed to know how he feels after what happened last night, or the way he acted this morning? A little cold . . . distant. This is the first time he’s gone on a long run since we got here. How could it not correspond to what I said to him?
“I don’t know, Eli, I just figured after last night that . . . it would be okay. That maybe you just needed some space.”
There, I put it out there. The elephant in the room.
And of course, he’s silent, just like he was last night.
This just confirms my thoughts. I freaked him out, and despite him not liking the way I took off, he’s not in the same commitment headspace as I am.
Sure, he says he wants me, but wanting someone and loving someone is completely different.
Wanting someone is founded by lust.
Loving someone sits on top of a foundation of trust, desire, attachments, and intimacy.
Just from his cold, distant mood this morning, I can tell, he doesn’t love me. He just lusts me.
I’d like to say I’m okay with that, but I’m not. I’m . . . hell, I’m embarrassed. Again. Even though he’s the one who insisted I move in with him, I often feel as though we’re a step out of sync with each other. I tried to kiss him, he pushed me away. He didn’t want to risk his relationship with Pacey, and then the next minute, he gave in. He’s . . . impulsive yet uncertain. I think I want him to catch up. He thinks I’m running. We’re not in sync, but I sincerely hope we might get there one day.
Unable to take the silence or the wondering, I say, “I don’t want to miss my flight, so I should get going. I’ll text you when I land.”
“Penny, hold on,” he says just as I hang up the phone.
To my horror, tears fall, and I quickly wipe at them and take a deep breath. It’s fine.
You’re fine.
Everything is fine.
This is a minor bump in the road, nothing you can’t get through with some help from your parents.
“Mom, where are you?” I say into the phone as Winnie and I stand outside, freezing our buns off.
“What? Honey, it’s windy. I can barely hear you.”
“Where are you? I’m outside the door.”
“What door?”
“Your door,” I shout into the phone.
“You’re in Scottsdale?”
“What? No . . . wait, are you in Scottsdale?”
“Yes. Where are you?”
Groaning, I say, “At your house.”
“Why on earth are you there? We’re in Scottsdale.”