I shrug. “That I was free. It’s just a dinner between friends.”
“Is that all it is?” she asks.
“Yes, Blakely.”
“Penny, I don’t think that’s a great idea. It will only make Eli mad.”
“Heaven forbid we make Eli mad,” I say, growing irritated.
“Think about what you’re doing, Penny. Remi isn’t just some friend from the past. There’s a history between them. You’re going to end up hurting Eli.”
“He’s hurting me,” I shoot back at her, pointing at my chest. “He’s hurting me every goddamn day, Blakely. How come no one sees that? Why is no one on my side here? Why am I the only one who sees how painful it is to live with a man, day in and day out, and not be loved by him? I’m in this purgatory because of the baby, but I wouldn’t have stuck around if there was no baby. Who would, Blakely? Who would stay with someone who doesn’t love them? Would anyone offer their heart every single fucking day and have it stomped on? Because that’s what it’s like. For me. Every. Fucking. Day.”
“Penny, I didn’t mean—”
Tears well in my eyes. “I just want this nightmare to be over with. I want this feeling to be washed away. I want to be out of this monotony where I wake up to his warm arms every morning, to his soft kisses, knowing damn well they mean absolutely nothing. It’s unrequited love, Blakely, something you haven’t—thank God—experienced. And it’s breaking me. I don’t want to go to dinner with Remi to be vindictive or mean to Eli. That’s not what I want to do at all. But if having dinner with an old friend breaks Eli and me, breaks the vicious cycle I’ve been living in, then it might be exactly what’s needed.”
I don’t want to be an obligation anymore. Someone Eli stays with simply to look after and be there for the baby. I’m not ungrateful. I know I’m so lucky compared to others who are left pregnant and alone. I’m simply hurting.
It’s like living with a daily wound so deep that a Band-Aid can never heal it, yet a Band-Aid is all I’m given.
And I don’t think I can live with this sorrow.
I swipe at my cheeks as my tears run down them.
“Okay . . . okay,” Blakely says, reaching out and taking my hand. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware that it’s been that bad for you.”
“It has been,” I say between sobs. I suck in a deep breath and try to steady my voice. “I’m not in a good headspace, and I just need something, anything to help me through this.”
“Why don’t you talk to Eli? Tell him how you really feel.”
“I did,” I say and shake my head. “He just goes still, quiet. Because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me. And for the sake of the baby, he’s probably just sticking it out.”
Blakely doesn’t say anything right away but instead grips my hand tightly.
She doesn’t have to say anything, because I think we both know the answer to all of this . . . there’s nothing I can do.
Finally, she lifts her head up and says, “What was it that he said to you about living in the barn for all those years? Wasn’t it that he felt so lonely, but rather than dwelling on that, he convinced himself that he didn’t need anybody to survive? That he didn’t seek their love once he realized they wouldn’t give it to him?”
I take a deep breath and think about that conversation we had. It feels so long ago now. He accepted his living situation as a foster-like situation. Even though they were blood family. It brings more tears to my eyes, just as it did then. He was only a little boy when he lost his mom, when he was cast aside and treated like a stray. Not loved like a son or nephew.
“Yes, he believed it was weak to want a hug. To ask for anything more than the scraps of home life he was given.”
“Well, maybe he just needs love, Penny. He needs to be reminded every day that he’s loved, that it’s not some fluke, and that it’s real. Maybe he needs to see your actions match your words.”
“And then what? Every day I say I love him, but I remain broken, battered, and even more heartbroken?”
“Maybe . . . but also, maybe he finally sees that he’s not the abandoned, cast-aside child he once was, but instead, a man who is wanted. A man worth spending time with. A man worth loving.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
ELI
You’re such a fucking moron.
Of course she’s not hiding anyone in the goddamn closet. She has proven more than once that she cares about you and only you. That she wants you. She seeks you out more than any woman ever has, and at night, when her mind settles down, she curls into you, soaking in your warmth.