“Just dry-heaving again, but I wasn’t able to stomach anything, so this is perfect timing.”
We break apart our bagels, slather them in cream cheese, and then each take a bite. I lean back in my chair. “Thank you so much.”
“You are more than welcome.” She pauses. “So tell me how things are going. Do you miss Hornsby now that the boys are on an away trip?”
No.
Not even in the slightest.
And not because he’s a bad house guest or because he’s messy. He’s none of those things. He’s actually quite tidy, and he doesn’t do anything to ruffle my feathers. He walks around the apartment, trying to go undetected. The first night after the horrible game when the boys took a huge loss, Eli tried to have a conversation about snow, and it fell flat after his comment about liking how white it was.
The second night, he asked me if I liked bread. I said yes. And then he nodded, and that was that. It’s made me wonder if the only language Eli speaks with women is flirt.
I was happy for the reprieve last night, that was until he called me . . .
“I was. I mean, he’s been nice and all, but I can’t tell you how massively uncomfortable this entire arrangement is.”
“Still not the conversationalist he is when trying to hook up with somebody?”
“I can’t necessarily blame it on him because I’m not great either. I don’t know what to say to him, and it’s clear as day he doesn’t know what to say to me as well. Where has all the charm from the bar and his apartment gone, Blakely? We got on so well, laughed, had sex, and now we have no clue how to be around each other? I mean, I shrieked the other night when I saw him with his shirt undone.” I lean in and whisper, “I licked his nipples, Blakely, and now I’m clutching my pearls over seeing a little man-cleave? What is wrong with me?”
She chuckles, and when I give her a not-so-happy glare, she stops. “I’m sorry, I know this hasn’t been easy for you, but you have to admit it’s slightly comical.”
“I find nothing comical about this. It’s so bad, Blakely. Never in my life have I been so clumsy and tongue-tied for words before. When he’s around, my mind just goes blank. And then last night, he, uh . . . he called me.”
“From the hotel?” Blakely’s eyes nearly pop out of their sockets.
“Yup. Said he wanted to check on me and tell me he planned on staying in the entire night. I told him I’m not his nanny so he doesn’t need to check in with me. He then proceeded to tell me in a strange voice that he knew I wasn’t his nanny.”
“Define strange?”
“Uh . . . like he ate a tablespoon of cinnamon and was slowly choking on his own dried-up saliva.”
“That is a very detailed yet odd description, and even more odd, I can hear it in my head. What happened after that?”
“A long pause that felt positively deafening. I was fidgeting, wracking my brain for anything to say. All I could think about was how my nipples have been tingling lately, and to hell if I was going to say that. So instead, he told me about the pack of free pretzels he got in his room. And all he said was they were salty and free.”
Blakely, to my disdain, lets out the loudest laugh while waving her hand in front of her face.
“This is not funny.”
“I’m sorry.” She wipes under her eye. “But oh my God, this is the most dysfunctional yet hilarious coupling I’ve ever seen, and I hate to admit it, because I know you’re going through an ordeal, but I’m kind of living for it.”
I take a large bite of my bagel and chew while staring out the window of my office. “I think I’m going to ask him to move out. We’re not doing each other any favors here. We tried, we failed miserably, so let’s move on.”
“What in particular did you try?”
My phone buzzes with a text.
“Try to be cordial and live with each other, but it’s just an absolute nightmare. We don’t know how to act around each other. We don’t know how to talk. We’re both being far too polite not to bother the other . . . I can’t possibly survive the next eight months like this.”
I lift my phone and see that it’s a text from Eli.
Great.
I swipe my phone open and read it.
Eli: I just ate an apple.
I wait to see if there is more to his text, but when the little texting dots don’t appear, I realize that’s all he had to say. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is to be expected at this point.