“Okay? Are you having any symptoms?” Symptoms? Symptoms of what, you idiot? Jesus Christ. You’re not her goddamn doctor. But unfortunately for me—and her—it’s the first thing that comes to mind.
Thankfully, there’s a light chuckle on the other end of the phone, and that eases some of the embarrassment from my idiotic question. “Just tired at the moment.”
“Oh, should I, uh, should I let you go so you can get some sleep?”
“No, I think we need to talk.”
We need to talk.
Hell, nothing good comes from those four words. Usually, they’re accompanied by a breakup or a confession like . . . I’m sorry, but I cheated on you. Weirdly, though, none of those scenarios apply to us.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Do you want to go first?”
“I guess so.” And then she’s silent, and I wish I could hear what she’s thinking. I’m sure it would be a world of information that would make cracking her shell so much easier. If only she would talk to me like she talked to me that one night, so free and open. But circumstances are different now. Finally, she sighs. “I don’t know why I’m so awkward around you. Well, I mean, I sort of know why, but still, for some reason, I either ramble on for too long or don’t know what to say at all. It felt so easy the night we were together.”
Yeah. Same.
“If you recall, it took you a bit to warm up that night as well,” I say, trying to help her out.
“True, but you were incredibly chatty that entire time. Why have you changed?”
This time, I chuckle. “I think I’m freaked out. I did something I shouldn’t have done, which was pursue you, got in trouble for it, and now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate these murky waters. I don’t want to stress you out by being too . . . in your space, and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, especially in your own home, nor do I want you doing this alone. I’m trying to find that balance. My mom raised me by herself before she passed away, and even though I don’t understand completely how hard being a single mom is from a little boy’s point of view, I do remember her telling me fairly often how sorry she was that her money wouldn’t stretch as far as I’d wanted it to. I don’t want that for you. So, my usual fun attitude is slightly askew at the moment.”
“I can understand that. I feel the same way about trying to make sure you’re comfortable.”
“No need to worry about me. But for you, I’ll try harder. Can I ask you something, though?”
“Of course.”
“I need to know why you’re so nervous around me. It might help me relate better.”
She doesn’t answer right away but gives it some serious thought, which I appreciate. “I think the intimidation is still there. It was easy to forget when we were buzzed, but now that we’re just normal human beings under no influence at all, I feel . . . out of place.”
“Not that shit again,” I say in a joking tone. “Come on, Penny. I think you can set that aside by now. I mean, I’ve pretty much touched every part of your body. There has to be a level of intimacy between us that pushes away that feeling of being out of place.”
“You have to remember, Eli, when we hooked up, it was a big thing for me to do, and I had some liquid encouragement to help me. First of all, I wasn’t going into that night with the most confidence in the world. The last guy I was with really tore me down romantically, told me I was bad in bed—”
“I can one hundred percent tell you right now that guy was fucking wrong. Trust me, Penny, he was really, really fucking wrong.”
“Well, uh . . . thank you.”
“I’m serious.” I lower my voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard.” And that’s straight-up facts. I still fucking think about that night.
She pauses. “Uh, well, we don’t need to get into the details, but I appreciate your reassurance.”
“Anytime you need it, let me know, but continue.”
“Okay, so yes, I wasn’t very confident that night, and it was a big deal for me to allow myself to do that with you, out of all people. And I know I act differently at work, but when I’m doing my job, I can be outgoing and extroverted with the guys, but that’s because it’s a job. I have a checklist of questions and conversation pieces I know I can cling to when I’m talking to all of you. The pressure to impress isn’t there. But one-on-one, it’s harder. I’m more of an introvert who likes to curl up on the couch and watch Ozark—”