Eli: It dissolves? I haven’t read anything about this.
Penny: Want me to send you the website with all the information you might need?
Eli: Yeah, that would be great. If I’m going to make an executive decision about this, I’ll need all the information. And you’re leaning toward yes?
Penny: Seems like a great idea. It works for dogs. Why not for babies too?
Eli: Just seems weird, you know? Does the tracker come with an app?
Penny: The more expensive one does. And the app also tells you when the baby is about to pee and when it is going to poop within ten minutes. Very accurate so you can prepare yourself for what’s to come. And then the obvious sleeping stuff, which is nice. But that one’s $2,000. Seems pricey.
Eli: It predicts poop? That might be nice, actually. And money is not a thing so don’t worry about that. I still want to look at the information, but it all seems like it could be good.
Penny: Not a problem. Here is the website: ICan’tBelieveYouFellForThat.com Eli: I. HATE. YOU.
Penny: HAHAHAHAHA DYING! Oh my God, did you seriously think that was a thing?
Eli: You know, it’s not nice to fuck with me. I’m a sensitive guy. I could cry. Is that what you want? For me to cry?
Penny: You and I both know that would never happen.
Eli: You don’t know that. I could be crying right now.
Penny: Send me a picture. I want to see your tears.
Eli: Who’s the sociopath now?
Penny: Hahaha.
Eli: Did you just text me to goad me? Or was there a reason for these texts?
Penny: Checking on your eye. Remember, I was nice at first.
Eli: So this is more like a toxic friendship then. Luring me in with sweetness only to gaslight me after.
Penny: If you think some innocent teasing is gaslighting, then I don’t think we can be friends.
Eli: Now I feel like you’re extorting me.
Penny: Do you even know what these terms mean?
Eli: Generally.
Penny: Glad your eye’s okay. Good game out there. I’m going to bed.
Eli: Night, Penny.
Eli: You got my shoes dry-cleaned? Seriously?
Penny: I felt like it was the right thing to do.
Eli: I didn’t even know you could do that.
Penny: Trust me when I say I did a lot of research and found a place in Vancouver that was pretty confident they could restore them to their natural state. They did say the shoe that didn’t have puke in it was more smelly from foot contact. They asked about athlete’s foot.
Eli: I’m sure they did. insert eye roll But thank you. You didn’t have to do that.
Penny: I felt like I owed it to the fans. I thought about making a TikTok on how they’ve been found and returned to your feet, but I’m not sure if it’s too much.
Eli: I’m more than happy to have you slip them on my feet like Cinderella if that’s what you want to do.
Penny: That seems like something Posey would enjoy, not you.
Eli: He’s rubbing off on me.
Penny: I can see that.
Eli: We come home tonight. Are you excited to see me?
Penny: Eh.
Eli: Come on, there has to be at least a shred of excitement.
Penny: I’ve had my place to myself, my bed to myself, and I’ve been able to do whatever I want without your judgmental eye looking in on me. Does it sound like I’m excited to have you home?
Eli: Positively riveted. Maybe this will change your mind: I got something for you.
Penny: For me? Like a present?
Eli: Yes, that’s usually what it’s called when someone gets you something.
Penny: Why?
Eli: Lol. Because I saw it and thought of you. Are you going to be mad about that?
Penny: Not at all . . . God, why am I feeling emotional right now? I hate these stupid hormones.
Eli: Are you crying?
Penny: . . . No. wipes at face
Eli: So you’re telling me, beneath the sarcastic sociopath, there’s a sensitive side to you?
Penny: I thought we established you were the sociopath.
Eli: Either way, I like it. You don’t have to be so tough all the time.
Penny: Is that what you think I am? Tough?
Eli: Yeah, I think you sort of have a wall up. I’m getting to know you, but there’s still a defensive barrier, and it’s your humor and teasing.
Penny: Weren’t you saying I have all different sides to me? Well, here is another one. Apparently, I cry at the mention of a gift.
Eli: Well, keep your expectations low because it’s not that big of a deal.
Penny: I think you could give me an old rabbit’s turd, and I’d be happy.
Eli: Well, it’s not a rabbit’s turd, so get that out of your head.