“And what are these?” Mom holds up a bottle of prenatal vitamins.
You see, this is EXACTLY why people should tell you they’re coming before they arrive, not just show up willy-nilly. It makes it impossible to hide all evidence of a pregnancy!
“I read that it’s healthy to take prenatals before adopting a dog. Something about the dog can feel your nerves—”
“Penny!” Dad shouts, startling the ever-loving shit right out of me.
With my hand clasped to my chest, I turn toward my dad and say, “You almost made me pee myself.”
“Tell the goddamn truth, right now.”
I’ve been caught.
And here I thought I was truly doing a good job at covering it up. I’m lying. My parents are not idiots, and I knew I’d have no real chance of lying myself out of this one.
I slump on the loveseat, exhausted. “Ugh, fine. Yes, the rumors are true. I had sexual intercourse.” I hold my finger up. “Protected sexual intercourse, I’d like to add, and five weeks later found out I was pregnant. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how to tell you, and frankly, the entire situation has been an absolute nightmare because I don’t want to like Eli. Still, I do like him, and we’re not supposed to like each other because we’re just friends, and he sure as hell doesn’t want a relationship with this brand of crazy. But the flowers are from him because I gave him a hug. It was a friendly hug on his part, not so much on my part, and I smelled his chest, and I liked it.”
I reach over and grab my ice cream, scoop up a large ball, and shove it in my mouth. The cold is so severe that I feel my brain freeze immediately, but I don’t care. I keep powering through and shoveling the sweet goodness in.
“And he’s living with me. Eli, that is. Yup. We share living quarters and a bed.” I lick the spoon. “He sleeps in my bed, but there has been absolutely no touching. Zero touching. Not even a gentle brush of a hand or an accidental erection in the morning. No moaning. No groaning. Nothing. Sure, we said this was platonic, but if you ask me, I think he’s too scared to even go near me in fear of getting me pregnant again before this first child is born. Which I know can’t happen, but with my luck, somehow, someway, I’d get pregnant in my shin, and that would be that. One baby in the uterus, one in the shin. Call it a medical marvel.” I twirl my spoon in the air.
“Honey—”
“And of course, I have to get pregnant by a hockey player—”
“Wait . . . Eli Hornsby?” Dad asks.
“Oh yeah, Dad. Eli freaking Hornsby.” I lick my lips obnoxiously. “The one and only. Yup, we did it. Sorry to throw it out there like that, but in fact, we canoodled in bed . . . naked. Technically, it started in front of his fireplace, then the wall, then his bed. And we were so naked, the most naked of all the nakedness. Private parts touched. And all it took was one time to seal the deal, and I told him and Pacey at the same time, and oh my God, Pacey clocked Eli right in the face. An old one-two pow pow.” I jab the air with my ice cream carton. “And then threatened Eli with his life if he didn’t live with me. I thought it was ridiculous until I realized I was doing this all by myself, and how could I do this by myself, take care of a baby, if I still have trouble ordering my own food off Door Dash? I say no plasticware, yet they still give me plasticware. I’m having this delivered to my place of residence. What person doesn’t have eating utensils? Stop killing the earth with all this godforsaken plasticware to a freaking place of residence. What more does a person have to do to avoid all of the PLASTICWARE?”
“Honey.” My mom is at my side now and slowly lowers my ice cream and spoon. She hands it to my dad and then pulls me into a hug. When her hand hits my hair, I start sobbing into her shoulder.
“I don’t want plasticware, Mom.”
“I know, honey. I know.” She rubs my back, and all I can think about is how when she rubs it, it isn’t nearly as nice as when Eli does it. “Joseph, why don’t you make us all some tea, and we can talk.”
“Sure.” Dad starts to move but then he comes over and places a kiss on top of my head. “It’ll be okay, sweetie. We’ll work through this.”
Chapter Twenty
ELI
I pace back and forth in front of the hotel door, wondering why the fuck he hasn’t opened it yet. I raise my fist to pound once again just as it parts open, and Pacey’s one eye shows through the crack.
“What the actual fuck?”